Enda Kenny Emerges Unscathed From Bunker After Comfortable Yes Vote Win

The Irish nation’s embattled supreme leader cautiously emerged from his secret lair this Thursday to break his vow of silence after weeks of speculation in the media that he may have actually ceased to exist.   

 An unkempt and initially wary looking Mr Kenny greeted reporters and well-wishers with a hesitant trademark thumbs up before briefly joining a huddle of his Minsters of State. Upon being told the results of the Fiscal Treaty Referendum Mr Kenny shared chest bumps with Michael Noonan and Richard Bruton followed by a painfully awkward “high five” with Eamon Gilmore.

His mood elevated, Mr Kenny turned to face reporters and field a question or two.

Asked about his seeming unwillingness to appear in a public debate with bearded Sinn Féin bully boy Gurry Adams, Mr Kenny responded “I think the Irish public understood at the time that a debate would have only brought more questions, and what we needed at the time were answers, not questions.” He continued “But I will say this Mr Adams, if it’s a debate you want, then I’m ready, willing and able!”

Asked whether Mr Kenny was at any time concerned that a No vote would derail the ratification of the treaty by Ireland, he responded, “Quite honestly I think the Irish people need to realise that this treaty was going to come into effect regardless of which way they voted, given that only 12 other member states need to pass the treaty and without having to deal with these distracting referendums.”

“But you know sometimes you need to give people illusions they can believe in, like the belief they have any control on the economic future of this country, or the “idea” that Ireland has economic sovereignty.”

“That’s what makes Democracy great.”

Johnny Depp Cancer Scare Gives Tobacco Industry Pause For Thought

In the wake of the news that smouldering hot Hollywood actor Johnny Depp may have actually contracted lung and throat cancer the heads of North America's tobacco industry today made a surprise joint announcement that cigarette manufacturing and sale in the United States would cease with immediate effect.

Speaking at an emergency conference in Washington DC, CEO of Phillip Morris US William F. Gifford wept openly as he described his shock in finding out that one of his own products may have been responsible for giving the dreamy sex-symbol the fatal disease. 

“We and our competitors create products whose sole aim it is to kill our customers, and in that we have become maybe too successful.”  Gifford sobbed.  “When five and a half million unknowns a year die worldwide as a direct result of our tobacco products, that is just a fantastical number that is hard to quantify – but when one Johnny Depp is put at risk, then we really need to take stock, look in the mirror and examine our collective conscience.”

In a determined effort to avoid another Beautiful Person suffering the same fate as Depp, Gifford announced that North American tobacco manufacturing and selling of cigarettes would now be moved wholesale to Sub-Saharan Africa and the Indian sub-continent.  “We have a potential market of 2 billion unknowns in these geographical locations that are still respectful and mindful of the fact that you too can be as cool as Johnny Depp by smoking cigarettes, if not as drop-dead fucking gorgeous…no one could ever be as drop-dead fucking gorgeous…”

A visibly shaken Gifford breaks down during Tuesday's announcement.

World Not Outraged At Haditha Verdict

The World stared blankly at the morning news this week as it shovelled mouthfuls of rice crispies down its gullet and absentmindedly scratched sleep from its eye.  The news item flickering across the screen was fourth in line after other, more media-attention-worthy sound bites; a tagged on post script of sorts, barely mumbled by a catatonic newsreader simply going through the motions as they read the sterile teleprompter.  Subconsciously the World was aware that it should be feeling something, some kind of emotional response to the news that the last of the United States Marines, Staff Sgt. Frank Wuterich, on trial for his part in the murder of 24 unarmed civilian men, women and children in the Iraqi town of Haditha in 2005 had walked free, with not one person being held accountable for the atrocity.

Above:  Not a picture of a beaming Staff Sgt. Frank Wuterich

Instead, the World is finding it hard to muster up the strength to feel anything other than abject despair and apathy.  An acknowledgement of sorts that no matter what happens the United States of America will never be held accountable for all the pain, misery and suffering that it has spread throughout the world with its imperialistic, xenophobic foreign policies. 

The World knows that this is wrong, so very, very wrong, but that whole Iraq war thing was so Noughties wasn’t it?  Sure, the World had reacted with horror and disgust in 2003 as the United States and its Coalition invaded a sovereign country based on a web of lies and doublespeak, waged an illegal war and directly caused the deaths of tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians in the process, all in the name of what it labelled Freedom©.  But that was then, before the Recession, you know?  Back then the World had the luxury of being able to care, to flex its social conscience; but now?  Now the World has this economic meltdown to deal with and well, it’s really time to look out for Numero Uno isn’t it?

 Above:  Another picture not

of Staff Sgt. Frank Wuterich

The World needs to get behind the banks and the politicians and profess unwavering loyalty to the Great Leaders who will lead the World away from this Great Depression and on to greater things.

The World knows that it has to look forward and not dwell on the past, because only silliness and non-productive finger pointing comes from examining history.

Outrage is for Lefties, Atheists, Homosexuals and Anti-Americans.

"Did I say Savages?

I meant Sand-Niggers."

 In Related News: 

”Murdering From A Distance With Impunity” 

The perfect metaphor for White House foreign policy.

 “Awesome” former Navy SEAL sniper Chris Kyle, credited with 150 certified Iraq kills.   

 Ireland Gearing Up For A Merry Capitalismas

Another year flies by and citizens of the tiny island nation of Ireland realise they’re a year older and still nowhere near following through on that emigration plan they talked so much about back in 2010.  The Capitalismas Season promises to sooth, if only temporarily, those open sores caused by continuous leeching of the public’s pockets by an insidious and duplicitous Labour/Fine Gael government.

Capitalists gather outside Irelands largest Consumerist shrine for morning prayer

Already the minds of the proletariat are glossing over as all around the nation Capitalists are coming together in anticipation of the birth of a new fiscal year.  As an expression of their devotion to Capitalismas people from all walks of life are gathering in their places of worship to spend their hard earned cash on things that they don’t need but can’t afford not to buy.

From the hallowed halls of Dundrum Town Centre to the fabled temples of Mahon Point the stampede of impulse spending has begun and will reach a crescendo on the 24^th December as all over the country twenty-something males race around shops with half empty shelves grabbing the nearest piece of shit they can get their hands on that will pass for some kind of present.

Speaking on Radio during the week the nations leader Enda Kenny reminded the buying public of the virtues of recognising Capitalismas and in particular to remember to buy within the Republic as filling the coffers with Irish money is the only way that the Holy Trinity of the EC, ECB and the IMF's hunger will be sated.

“Capitalismas helps us remember that regardless of skin colour, sexual orientation or shoe size, we are all equal in the eyes of the IMF and the ECB, and that all peoples living in Ireland will be able to give praise for many generations to come by spending money we don’t have as penance for the mistakes of other political parties.”

What does Capitalismas mean to you?

“It saddens me to see there are people out there who still believe that this time of year is in any way connected to religion, or that Jesus guy.”

 

“I know I could buy all of my electronics online for about 30% less than I’m paying in my local highstreet store without the hassle of even leaving my front door, but quite frankly that would be unpatriotic and wrong.”

“As a humanist I find this materialist, money worshipping society we live in to be completely base, that’s why my wife and I are going to be wintering in St Moritz to get away from it all.”

 
 

“I’ve maxed out three credit cards, I’m in arrears on my mortgage, about to lose my job and have no savings but if you think that’s going to stop me getting my three boys an Xbox 360 each then you don’t know the spirit of the Irish pal!”

 

“Fuckehmadourovih!”

 

Muammar Gaddafi Dead: Post Mortem To Be Aired Live

As the blood-lust frenzy for images of a dead Muammar Gaddafi reaches fever pitch the unusual step has been taken to have the dictator’s autopsy filmed in front of a live audience and broadcast live around the world.  

The event, which is scheduled to air Halloween night from a secret location somewhere in Libya,  is expected to reach record numbers of people as the whole world waits impatiently for more images of the dictators bloodied and battered, lifeless corpse.

Four year old Timothy Grayson just 

wants his Fireman Sam magazines back.

“The gore-soaked images that you have witnessed on your television screens and across countless publications and the internet is just the beginning! Just wait to see what we have lined up.” spat a frothing at the mouth event organiser Jordon Rockwell of Fox News Channel.  “We’re going to have finger puppets for the kids, with Gaddafi’s actual fingers!  There’ll be wall painting, where kids will be able to use the buckets of blood syphoned from his rotting corpse to create montages of what a world without Gadaffi will be like, there’ll be skipping rope play, football, oh it’s going to be fabulous!”

Members of the audience will also be invited up to “get involved” in the autopsy and help play their part in the on-going War On Terror©.

“The main message we really want to get across with this whole event is that it’s okay to parade dead bodies in the media as long as they belong to the bad guy.  I mean, for example, no one wants to see images of dead children killed by American cluster bombs, right?  Exaactly!” 

So far there have been no vocal critics of the media coverage as people remain shit scared of pointing out that there may be something not entirely healthy about Western societies completely skewed sense of morality and justice.

J.J. Abrams Promises At Least 87% More Lens Flare In Star Trek Sequel

As Trekkers©, Trekkies™ and Trekkists® across the known universe collectively wet their nappies at the news that Hollywood wunderkind J.J.J.J.Abrams will indeed helm the next installment of the Star Trek franchise, the director himself has let slip that the special effects department will be spending a whopping $165 Million on lighting effects alone.

“I know one of the biggest complaints people had about the first one was that we didn’t light the bridge of the Enterprise up well enough, that it was too murky”  Abrams lamented.  “Well we’re addressing that head on with the sequel and will be adding a minimum of twenty-five lens flare capture effects for every half-second of screen time the bridge has.”  

"Too murky." Star Trek 2009

So confident are Paramount that cinema-goers will not be disappointed with the planned specfuckular light-fest frenzy that they are offering free tickets for a re-showing to anyone that emerges from the theater without cataracts, sunburnt corneas or dislodged retinas.

“We’re really upping the ante!” whooped a visibly erect Abrams.

"More lens flare needed."

 Villains, rumours and beyond.

With the sequel tentatively titled “The Rage of Kane” fans are speculating on whether it will be an homage to the original sequel, the 1982 classic “The Wrath of Kahn”.  Rumours abound that casting agents for Paramount Studios have already begun casting their net around the sparsely populated Latino acting community.

Casting director April Webster had this to say on the speculation: “All we’ll say at this time is that we are desperately looking to find a Latino actor to play the main villain.  This is no easy feat, I can tell you that, due mainly in part that there are so few viable Latino actors in Hollywood today, the majority having returned to Mexican-Land and even further South after the 80’s boom years of Henchmania.”

 “Couple this with the fact that the majority of the white, middle-class movie-going public still find it hard to watch Latino actors on-screen, much as their grandparents found it difficult to accept Negro actors, and you can understand the difficulties we face in filling this position.”

Jennifer Lopez and fake Latino actor Lou Diamond Phillips could not be reached for comment.

Barack Obama Irish, Not American

Dublin, Ireland.

In a move that far right whackjob American conservatives are calling a turning point in their Birther campaign, President Barack Obama yesterday proclaimed himself Irish in front of a live crowd of one hundred thousand well wishers in the Irish capital city of Dublin.

The shock admission came as the President of the United States was beginning a whirlwind tour of Europe where he promised there would be more surprise announcements to come.

Speaking outside the former Irish Parliament on College Green Mr. Obama looked relaxed and at ease as he talked to his Irish, non-American brethren, even joking with the crowd "You can call me a Mick, a Paddy, a potato muncher, hell you can even call me a bog-trotter!" and then, pausing to look over his shoulder with a cheeky grin and talking in a mock whisper he added,  "Juss don't call me a Muslim!"

The crowd erupted in laughter and cheer, hanging on his every word, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house as Mr. Obama spoke to them of his inner conflict when denying his Irish heritage in the past and his lifelong struggle to be perceived as an American.

Seemingly oblivious to the untold damage this revelation has done to his election campaign for 2012 or even his legitimacy as President, Mr. Obama has promised further revelations during his European trip.  Whitehouse spokesperson Ollie Freeman hinted that Mr. Obama will go into intimate detail on just what technique he used when snorting cocaine in his youth in order to get "completely loaded" and will discuss his despair after failing to win the audition for the part of the Predator in the 1987 smash hit movie of the same name.  "The president feels that honesty is the best policy and he's at a stage now where he's getting into stride in his presidency, you know, he's really enjoying himself."

A-lister poster boy for the Birther movement; a sneering Donald Trump addressed a crowd of reporters via comlink from his secret golden fortress.  "I feel vindicated now that the President has publicly announced that he is not a true blue white American and that his claim to the presidency is fraudulent.  The fact that we now know him to be a Spudfucker as well as being black really seals it."  

 "We got 'im!" he added, with that shit eating grin of his.

In a final statement on the matter of his nationality the president proclaimed he was renouncing his slave name and would only answer to the name Barry O'Bama from now on.

In Other News:  An excitable Enda Kenny, Taoiseach  of Ireland,  was rushed to hospital after yesterdays ceremony following a severe brain hemorrhage brought on by his impassioned speech introducing the US President.  He also suffered several burst blood vessels in his eyeballs and a nasty sore throat and will be sucking on Strepsils for several weeks to come.

Harold Camping Dead At 89

Harold Camping died peacefully in his sleep today at six o'clock local time aged 89 years of age. He had become world famous in recent minutes for his astonishing prediction that his End Of Days was approaching.

His legacy on planet earth will be that for a period of 78 seconds on May 21st 2011 his name was entered into Google search engines worldwide more times than the words "barely", "legal"and "anal".

Pictured:  Mr. Camping with a copy of the King James Bible that he cheekily borrowed from his public library with a return date of May 22nd

Irish Public Shocked By Irish Publics Reaction To Queen Elizabeth II Visit

Hot on the heels of their group masturbation over the Royal Wedding the Republic of Ireland's island folk brace themselves for the state visit of Queen Elizabeth II to their shores.  Given the historical and political past and present between the two countries there are widespread divisions amongst its' people as to what the visit actually signifies.

Fair and Balanced reporting:

We dispatched our mute roving reporter from the Seventh Circle of Funk first to England to see what the anticipation there was and then on to the fair Emerald Isle to see the reaction from the regular man on the street of the twee nation that brought the world Leprechauns, Guinness and itchy Aran Jumpers. 

"I just know those awful peasants will be waiting for me to put my foot in it."

"I really, really hope that Phillip can't make the trip."

"Not to put too fine a point on it but the paddys really need this visit by Her Majesty.  Don't forget, Dublin was once the second most important city in the British Empire, which is no small feat.  They're going through a rough time bless them and God knows they need to find something that they can take pride in."

 "Loike, I don't know what all the fuss is about.  Any of my friends that I talk to are, loike, so totally over that whole Northern Orland thing."

"I've been on the dole now for over two and a half years.  The new government have done  nothing to show me that they're any different than the last shower of bastards.

Somehow I know the Queen is responsible for all this, so yes, I'll be out protesting."

"Ah here, wharah yiz all moanin abouh, sure if we can open are arms to that black fella comin over and visitin can't we open are arms for the quee-hen?  Come on Arelan, grow up!"

 

 

"We are totally opposed to this visit by Queen Elizabeth and are willing to kill Irish men, women and children to prove our point."

"Madourovih!"

A T-shirt vendor on Dublin's famous O'Connell Street panders to both groups with a selection of tasteful designs

Nicolas Sarkozy: Last Minute U-Turn On French "Burqa Ban"

In a move that has both surprised his critics and infuriated his allies French President Nicolas Sarkozy has decided to reverse the ruling signed into law last October and due for enactment this coming April 11th which would have seen the wearing of the burqa and niqab by Muslim women banned outright.

In an interview with Le Monde this week Sarkozy admitted that he had struggled personally with the wording of the legal text. “When I studied the texts, which did not make specific mention of, but implied the burqa and niqab when condemning the covering of the face, I realised it was pure hypocrisy. I could no more ask of my wife, former model, singer and sexy superstar Carla Bruni to keep her goddamned clothes on for once in her life during an interview than I could ask of our Islamoid sisters to reveal more of their sexy Arab hard bodies.” 

Sarkozy: Compassion.

“So yes, it was in a moment of compassion that I decided the outright ban would have to be reversed, but with a certain condition in place.”

The certain condition that Sarkozy was alluding to includes a new clause that would ensure that all women wearing burqas or niqabs would be required to display bi-lingual registration plates identifying them by name and as property of their husbands.

Muslim cleric Sheikh Yerbouti, previously a harsh critic of Sarkozys policies toward anyone black and poor and his penchant for deporting Roma Gypsies was more upbeat in tone as news reached him of the reversal. “Allah be praised, Mr. Sarkozys enlightened thinking on reversing this ban has been a small glimmer of hope in what has been a difficult time in France for the Muslim people. On top of that I can't believe it took a Westerner to think of the whole name tag thing, I mean seriously, how did we not think of that before? Do you know how long it usually takes to locate my wife when I come to pick her up from the womens group? By the fist of Ibrahim, we're talking about forty minutes on a good day!”

Nawal Hussan: “Not much of a looker.”

Housewife Nawal Hussan, a Muslim convert and mother of three welcomed the overturning of the ban, saying: “I'm not much of a looker and have always felt I was in direct competition with some of my peers' extraordinary beauty. This way it gives us all a level playing field, Allah be praised. Also, it's a great way of hiding the bruises.”

Amnesty International spokesperson Judith Farber had this to say: “We are delighted that this reversal in thought has come about as it highlights Frances willingness to provide an inclusiveness of all religions and embrace all religious traditions in this great multicultural society.”

 Amnesty International spokesperson Judith Farber had this to say: “We are outraged that this medieval tradition and subjugation of women in a modern society has been allowed to continue without challenge and we will continue to appeal for an outright ban to be enforced on this outdated form of dress that some Muslim women are still forced to endure.”

Mr. Sarkozy confirmed that the second clause, that Muslim women wearing burqa or niqabs will be allowed to wear a leash at all times when in public, is being considered for introduction in early 2012.

It was all smiles in the city of Lyon yesterday as women celebrated their
Freedom to wear their burqas again without fear of oppression by French laws