Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Barack Obama Irish, Not American

Dublin, Ireland.

In a move that far right whackjob American conservatives are calling a turning point in their Birther campaign, President Barack Obama yesterday proclaimed himself Irish in front of a live crowd of one hundred thousand well wishers in the Irish capital city of Dublin.

The shock admission came as the President of the United States was beginning a whirlwind tour of Europe where he promised there would be more surprise announcements to come.

Speaking outside the former Irish Parliament on College Green Mr. Obama looked relaxed and at ease as he talked to his Irish, non-American brethren, even joking with the crowd "You can call me a Mick, a Paddy, a potato muncher, hell you can even call me a bog-trotter!" and then, pausing to look over his shoulder with a cheeky grin and talking in a mock whisper he added,  "Juss don't call me a Muslim!"

The crowd erupted in laughter and cheer, hanging on his every word, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house as Mr. Obama spoke to them of his inner conflict when denying his Irish heritage in the past and his lifelong struggle to be perceived as an American.

Seemingly oblivious to the untold damage this revelation has done to his election campaign for 2012 or even his legitimacy as President, Mr. Obama has promised further revelations during his European trip.  Whitehouse spokesperson Ollie Freeman hinted that Mr. Obama will go into intimate detail on just what technique he used when snorting cocaine in his youth in order to get "completely loaded" and will discuss his despair after failing to win the audition for the part of the Predator in the 1987 smash hit movie of the same name.  "The president feels that honesty is the best policy and he's at a stage now where he's getting into stride in his presidency, you know, he's really enjoying himself."

A-lister poster boy for the Birther movement; a sneering Donald Trump addressed a crowd of reporters via comlink from his secret golden fortress.  "I feel vindicated now that the President has publicly announced that he is not a true blue white American and that his claim to the presidency is fraudulent.  The fact that we now know him to be a Spudfucker as well as being black really seals it."  
 "We got 'im!" he added, with that shit eating grin of his.

In a final statement on the matter of his nationality the president proclaimed he was renouncing his slave name and would only answer to the name Barry O'Bama from now on.

In Other News:  An excitable Enda Kenny, Taoiseach  of Ireland,  was rushed to hospital after yesterdays ceremony following a severe brain hemorrhage brought on by his impassioned speech introducing the US President.  He also suffered several burst blood vessels in his eyeballs and a nasty sore throat and will be sucking on Strepsils for several weeks to come.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Harold Camping Dead At 89

Harold Camping died peacefully in his sleep today at six o'clock local time aged 89 years of age. He had become world famous in recent minutes for his astonishing prediction that his End Of Days was approaching.

His legacy on planet earth will be that for a period of 78 seconds on May 21st 2011 his name was entered into Google search engines worldwide more times than the words "barely", "legal"and "anal".

Pictured:  Mr. Camping with a copy of the King James Bible that he cheekily borrowed from his public library with a return date of May 22nd

Friday, 13 May 2011

Irish Public Shocked By Irish Publics Reaction To Queen Elizabeth II Visit

Hot on the heels of their group masturbation over the Royal Wedding the Republic of Ireland's island folk brace themselves for the state visit of Queen Elizabeth II to their shores.  Given the historical and political past and present between the two countries there are widespread divisions amongst its' people as to what the visit actually signifies.

Fair and Balanced reporting:

We dispatched our mute roving reporter from the Seventh Circle of Funk first to England to see what the anticipation there was and then on to the fair Emerald Isle to see the reaction from the regular man on the street of the twee nation that brought the world Leprechauns, Guinness and itchy Aran Jumpers. 

"I just know those awful peasants will be waiting for me to put my foot in it."

"I really, really hope that Phillip can't make the trip."

"Not to put too fine a point on it but the paddys really need this visit by Her Majesty.  Don't forget, Dublin was once the second most important city in the British Empire, which is no small feat.  They're going through a rough time bless them and God knows they need to find something that they can take pride in."

 "Loike, I don't know what all the fuss is about.  Any of my friends that I talk to are, loike, so totally over that whole Northern Orland thing."

"I've been on the dole now for over two and a half years.  The new government have done  nothing to show me that they're any different than the last shower of bastards.

Somehow I know the Queen is responsible for all this, so yes, I'll be out protesting."

"Ah here, wharah yiz all moanin abouh, sure if we can open are arms to that black fella comin over and visitin can't we open are arms for the quee-hen?  Come on Arelan, grow up!"


"We are totally opposed to this visit by Queen Elizabeth and are willing to kill Irish men, women and children to prove our point."


A T-shirt vendor on Dublin's famous O'Connell Street panders to both groups with a selection of tasteful designs