In the wake of the news that smouldering hot Hollywood actor Johnny Depp may have actually contracted lung and throat cancer the heads of North America's tobacco industry today made a surprise joint announcement that cigarette manufacturing and sale in the United States would cease with immediate effect.
Speaking at an emergency conference in Washington DC, CEO of Phillip Morris US William F. Gifford wept openly as he described his shock in finding out that one of his own products may have been responsible for giving the dreamy sex-symbol the fatal disease.
“We and our competitors create products whose sole aim it is to kill our customers, and in that we have become maybe too successful.” Gifford sobbed. “When five and a half million unknowns a year die worldwide as a direct result of our tobacco products, that is just a fantastical number that is hard to quantify – but when one Johnny Depp is put at risk, then we really need to take stock, look in the mirror and examine our collective conscience.”
In a determined effort to avoid another Beautiful Person suffering the same fate as Depp, Gifford announced that North American tobacco manufacturing and selling of cigarettes would now be moved wholesale to Sub-Saharan Africa and the Indian sub-continent. “We have a potential market of 2 billion unknowns in these geographical locations that are still respectful and mindful of the fact that you too can be as cool as Johnny Depp by smoking cigarettes, if not as drop-dead fucking gorgeous…no one could ever be as drop-dead fucking gorgeous…”
A visibly shaken Gifford breaks down during Tuesday's announcement.