Thursday, 8 July 2010

Shock revelations as Trial of the Century continues: “We were simply following orders...”

The Hague, International Criminal Court: In a trial that has garnered worldwide public attention the case against 197 of the Vatican City’s top lieutenants and deputies and the Holy Pontiff himself (in absentia) continued this Thursday, with some of the most eye watering revelations to date being read back to the defendants.

In testimonies read by over seven and a half thousand victims so far, the evidence that the Vatican was at the heart of the worlds largest paedophile ring was mounting. Imagine The Killing Fields of Cambodia during Pol Pots reign of terror; but instead of Cambodians being slaughtered for a futile and meaningless cause, it was young children being sexually and violently molested by men of the cloth and the abuses being systematically covered up by an institution that was designed to keep its vast wealth tied up in its headquarters in Rome while convincing vulnerable and gullible people to give their time and money to help sustain a futile and meaningless cause.

Asked to respond to the allegations two of the most high profile defendants were defiant to the last. Obergruppenführer Sean Brady of the Irish Abteilung was non committal in showing any remorse for his inaction in the handling of Feldwebel Brendan “Der Weisse Engel” Smyth; a staff sergeant who would go on to become one of the Vatican’s top child molesters. In response to the charges put to him by the panel of nine International judges “...that he had to have known, and could have prevented the further abuse of children at the hands of Smyth”, Brady replied “I was simply following orders”.

Obergruppenführer Sean Brady

The charges: Gross negligence; dereliction of duty;
facilitation of sex crimes against minors; assistance in the cover up of the crimes of a child rapist.

Flamboyant closet homosexual and velvet dress wearing fag queen Reichsführer Tarcisio “Flaming” Bertone was less forgiving of his accusers and read out a statement in his trademark shrill falsetto which has often been likened to the song of a young castrato. “These so called children were all deviants who were put on this earth to fulfil one prophecy; that of the Devil! Without their existence on this earth my fellow priests would never have succumbed to this weakness! Ergo, it is the children who walked this path and inexorably tainted the lives of innocents, and it is they who will burn in hell for all eternity with the Jews and Heathens!”

Reichsführer Tarcisio Bertone

The charges: Dissemination of hate material; Incitementof violence against minority groups; Being a particularly despicable and nasty piece of work and all round cunt.

Judgement on the first of the six main accused is expected within the next week with sentencing following immediately after for those found guilty. While the Pope has openly asked that the usual sentence meted out by the Catholic Church for such crimes be given, the ruling judge in the case, Sr. Carles Dominico was firm in dispelling any notions that this would be the case. “The usual punishment of a lifetime of prayer and pentinence as regularly ordered by the Church for crimes such as the raping and sexually violent abuse of children by their own clergy seems unrealistic and out of touch with reality to say the very least.”

While currently indicted on 357 separate charges (inclusive of 324 de facto charges by way of inheritance of the mantel of Pontiff), Führer Pope Benedict has yet to be extradited to the Netherlands. Commenting on the proceedings from the safety of his big shiny palace in the Vatican City in Rome, he muttered, “In relation to these matters, all I can say is this.”
“Who, in the name of Jesus H Christ, is going to take me on, huh? I’m the Pope, motherfucker!”

Der Führer; Josef Ratzinger aka Pope Benedict XVI (in absentia)

The charges: Spearheading the worlds largest organised paedophile ring; bribery of officials and private citizens with the express purpose of covering up clerical abuse; Obstruction of justice;

RELATED ARTICLES:  Pope Benedict XVI advocates contraception for abusive priests.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

RCNI’s Clíona Saidléar: Redefining the term “Shrill”

Rape Crisis Network Ireland Policy & Communications Director and Shrill Über-Feminist Clíona Saidléar has done herself no favours this week by announcing that, in her expert opinion, and in incredibly bad English,”...any women appearings [sic] in any advert anywhere that is better looking than I am is a denigrated bitch-slut panndering [sic] to mens rape fantasies.”

Ms. Saidléar’s self serving comment comes in the wake of the RCNI’s formal complaint to the Advertising Standards Authority for Ireland (ASAI) about the incredibly sexy Hunky Dory adverts that the RCNI claim condone the violent abuse and sexual assault of women; and by extension of this that Irish men would respond to the adverts like depraved sexual deviants unable to tell fantasy from reality as they dragged their collective knuckles across the ground.

This misguided and brazenly chauvinist perception of Irish mens supposed attitudes towards women displays once again just how out of touch an organisation can become when they leave their Public Relations in the hands of a person whose only aim is to pander to a small minorities perceived notions while attempting to use playground age pop-psychology to support their argument that would make a first year Sociology student blush.

The official complaints use of the phrase “deeply cynical” in relation to describing an advertisement is literally jaw dropping in its naïveté, as Product Advertising by its very nature is cynical and is used purely as a tool to part people from their money to buy things that they don’t need but can’t afford not to have.

At the time of going to press none of this really matters as no one is buying the corrugated, vomit tasting excuses that pass for a confectionery snack anyway.

Dublin Bus to treble fumes output by 2012

Dublin, Filthy; Not content with their current output of pollution in the countries capital, Dublin Bus CEO Joe Meagher announced Tuesday a new initiative to increase threefold the amount of sickening fumes belched out by the overworked and dilapidated bus fleet.
“A first step would be to increase our cap of 500 parts per million of sulfur to at least 10,000 parts per million by way of never changing our filters and using cheaper, low-grade diesel.”
“After that we just need to sit back and wait.”

As there are still no provisions in place for an equivalent of the NCT or an Independent Regulator to oversee the maintenance of buses operating in the city it is expected that Dublin Bus will happily fulfil their obligation to poison as many commuters as possible without fear of repercussion from any kind of environmental protection body.

Exhaust from diesel engines is made up of both gases and soot. The gas portion is mainly comprised of carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, nitrogen dioxide, sulfur oxides and hydrocarbons. These are all elements that will help contribute to making Dublin one of Europes dirtiest and most polluted cities; a title that most Dubliners wear with pride.

Left: The new €50 million logo. It’s slanted.

Dublin Bus - The Promise
By 2012 at is hoped that at least 25,000 Dublin commuters are expected to begin showing signs of the following:
  • Degradation of the immune system directly due to excessive diesel fumes output
  • Reduced sperm production
  • Considerable risk to unborn children including damage to the • thymus, nervous system, adrenal and reproductive systems
  • Serious and permanent impairment of the nervous system of commuters exposed to the fume output on a daily basis
The Garda Síochána, eunuchs of the law enforcement world, were unable to talk to our reporter at the time of going to press as 87% of the force was giving out speeding tickets to average citizens doing 65kmph in a 60kmph zone on a dual-carriageway.

Asked to comment on the increasing amount of pollution poisoning commuters in the city Environment Minister John “Gormeless” Gormley actually looked a little put out that he should have to answer to anyone about anything. “Ehhh, we have special provisions in place to deal with matters such as this that are at an advanced stage of planning and we are sure will deal with matter in a robust and timely manner blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Letters To The Editor: Hey Jude

Today's guest editor is Papa Hotel; raconteur supreme and inventor of the Smelly Glove. You can follow him at Papa Hotel Lives.

Dear Sir,

I appear to have some pages missing from my script. Raised, as I was, on a cosy diet of simpering Hollywood principles and the over-simplistic moral whitewashing of the Weinstein Brothers, I was given to understand that one’s goal in life is threefold:

1) Overcome adversity
2) Win the girl
3) Make the world a better place for those less muscley / less sexy / less wealthy than you

So what in the name of our murdered Jesus is going on with Israel? The Jews that settled there weren’t a wet week out of the death camps before they started kicking over sand castles and getting argey-bargey with the locals, like a pack of East-London teens on a binge in Ibiza. It seems that the same principles that cause an abused child to grow into a child abuser operate as effectively at a mob level. What kind of sickness could cause a people, united by the very thing for which they were once oppressed, to replicate the viciousness of that oppression upon fellow men, women and children. There must be something of the canker in the cure then for it appears that the pseudo-legitimate state of Israel, with all of its elastic borders, have learned no lessons from the history of Nazi Germany other than some useful tips on the containment and extermination of the innocent. Any day now Belling(TM) and Hotpoint(TM) will probably start competing for an Israeli government tender to supply 5,000 industrial sized ovens with an option on the fitout of high-capacity shower rooms.

David P. Novak

Papa Hotel appears courtesy of Girly Man Productions ©2010

UN Reinstates Term “Dumb Mick”

New York; With a landslide majority vote of 190 to 1 the UN voted this Thursday to reinstate the term “Dumb Mick” as an officially recognised derogatory term when referring to the nation and people of the Republic of Ireland. Having been outlawed since 1995 the return of this popular term has delighted critics of the Irish State who feel it has been a long time coming.

“For too long we have had the image of the Celtic Tiger thrust in our faces.” said a whiny Britain. “It’s about time those Paddys came back down to earth with a bang.”
Since the collapse of the Irish economy the rest of the world has awoken from the trance they were in, realising that all in all during the boom times Ireland had contributed very little to furthering the human race and had in fact spent all of their money on flat screen televisions and small hand held telephone devices.

Ireland, it would seem, had not been the centre of the fucking universe.

“Celtic Tiger? Celtic Pussys more like, har har har!” Commented Australia in a casual observation of the Irish sheepishness since the collapse of their economy and the Irish peoples utter inability to do anything other than feel impotent rage and mawkishly bitch and moan about the whole situation.

France declined to comment and Germany simply squeezed their thumb and forefinger on the bridge of their nose, and wincing, let out an audible sigh of stoic annoyance.
Ireland was unavailable for comment as it had clapped its hands over its ears and was reciting its usual mantra. “la la la la la la la la la!”.

While the world remained divided on whether Ireland was in fact a third rate, First World basketcase or a first rate, Third World basketcase, everyone was in agreement that Israel is a complete asshole.

Below: The traditional image of a Celtic Cub c. 1999-2008

...and today

The Vatican: Pope Benedict XVI advocates contraception for abusive priests.

In a landmark ruling yesterday the Vatican announced that an official edict had been passed by his Holiness Pope Benedict the XVI which would now allow priests who abuse and rape young children to use contraception. The decision, first announced during the Popes weekly address to the congregation at St. Peters initially sent shock waves through the crowd but overall was received with a sheepish and muted acceptance.

The decision comes amid recent claims that venereal diseases among priests who abuse and rape young children has almost trebled in Sub Saharan Africa and parts of South America. Turning to Africa, a spokesman for the Vatican, Cardinal Michael O’Rourke explained the reasons behind this shocking rise. “For some inexplicable reason these savages of the Dark Continent harbour the belief that unprotected sexual intercourse resulting in AIDS is a lesser evil than using contraception; a view we wholly endorse, incidentally.” O’Rourke continues: “With so many of the savages population encumbered by this unholy disease it is only natural that a majority of our priests who enjoy, to use the vernacular, ‘riding bareback’ may come into contact with some form of infection.”

The edict aims to tackle this increase in reported STDs among the Catholic Clergy as well as providing the Church with a platform to sound a change in protocol that will herald in a new era of modern thinking.

The move has been welcomed by progressive Catholics who acknowledge this as a sign that the Catholic Church is making steps into a new arena; one which embraces modernity and change. Catholics United in Nurturing Trust (C.U.N.T) spokesthing Ariel Slivera spoke of the bravery of Pope Benedict. “His Holiness has once again shown that he truly understands the nature of Jesus Christ and that he will stop at nothing to bring Catholicism, the one true religion, into the twenty first century.

Critics of the move caution that while condoms, diaphragms and woollen socks have long been known to help curtail the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, the current lack of availability of contraceptives, especially in the Sub Saharan regions of the African continent where they are mostly seen as evil and un-Christian, makes the prospect of the new edict being enacted a long and arduous task. “There would have to be a change of attitude, both social and cultural, on a massive scale for this new ruling to be of any success in many countries in Africa.” highlights Maria Scorzella, Director of the Catholic aid organisation Savage Heart. “The Catholic Church would need to revise their teachings to ensure that the savages would let their children be abused by a priest using contraception, and that there would be no shame or stigma involved.”

Refusing to be drawn into a debate on the ruling, the Supreme Pontiff issued a statement Tuesday. “Hey, look, I don’t make the rules, you know. That’s Gods job. I’m just the messenger, a conduit if you will. You got a problem with it go take it up with him.”. Commenting on Africa in particular the statement read: “As I have said before, The AIDS virus seriously threatens the economic and social stability of the continent...but more than that the virus threatens one of our priests every time a sexy child lays itself open to sexual abuse.”

“Heil Hitler.” He added.

Some 19 million Africans are currently living with AIDS. The UN estimates that without new initiatives and greater access to drugs, more than 80 million Africans may die from AIDS by 2025 and HIV infections could reach 90 million, or 10% of the continent’s population.

In stark contrast it is hoped that the ranks of paedophile priests reporting venereal
diseases could be reduced to as low as 0.3% by the same date with the new ruling in place.