Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Dublin Bus to treble fumes output by 2012

Dublin, Filthy; Not content with their current output of pollution in the countries capital, Dublin Bus CEO Joe Meagher announced Tuesday a new initiative to increase threefold the amount of sickening fumes belched out by the overworked and dilapidated bus fleet.
“A first step would be to increase our cap of 500 parts per million of sulfur to at least 10,000 parts per million by way of never changing our filters and using cheaper, low-grade diesel.”
“After that we just need to sit back and wait.”

As there are still no provisions in place for an equivalent of the NCT or an Independent Regulator to oversee the maintenance of buses operating in the city it is expected that Dublin Bus will happily fulfil their obligation to poison as many commuters as possible without fear of repercussion from any kind of environmental protection body.

Exhaust from diesel engines is made up of both gases and soot. The gas portion is mainly comprised of carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, nitrogen dioxide, sulfur oxides and hydrocarbons. These are all elements that will help contribute to making Dublin one of Europes dirtiest and most polluted cities; a title that most Dubliners wear with pride.

Left: The new €50 million logo. It’s slanted.

Dublin Bus - The Promise
By 2012 at is hoped that at least 25,000 Dublin commuters are expected to begin showing signs of the following:
  • Degradation of the immune system directly due to excessive diesel fumes output
  • Reduced sperm production
  • Considerable risk to unborn children including damage to the • thymus, nervous system, adrenal and reproductive systems
  • Serious and permanent impairment of the nervous system of commuters exposed to the fume output on a daily basis
The Garda Síochána, eunuchs of the law enforcement world, were unable to talk to our reporter at the time of going to press as 87% of the force was giving out speeding tickets to average citizens doing 65kmph in a 60kmph zone on a dual-carriageway.

Asked to comment on the increasing amount of pollution poisoning commuters in the city Environment Minister John “Gormeless” Gormley actually looked a little put out that he should have to answer to anyone about anything. “Ehhh, we have special provisions in place to deal with matters such as this that are at an advanced stage of planning and we are sure will deal with matter in a robust and timely manner blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

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