Wednesday, 3 November 2010

“Daddy, where were you when it happened?”

The moment of the shocking attack (AP)

The Attack On Minister For Health  Mary Harney:

So this is it.

This is the moment that everything changed. Forever.

They say that the world as we know it changed on the 11th September 2001, but for the people of the Republic of Ireland it is the events of the 1st November 2010 that have irrevocably scarred the Irish psyche, leaving a country in numbed shock, reeling, searching for answers in the embers of what was once thought of as a nation above brutish barbarism and violent thuggish dissent.

Ireland, that last beacon of hope in a modern world fraught with financial uncertainty and social instability. A country that has served as a model to the world of the Utopian heights a democracy can reach given the freedom to flourish and fulfill its true potential.

A country that single-handedly united Europe, invented the rainbow, ended world hunger and cured cancer.

It has all come crashing down.

All of this lost. All because of a tin of red paint.

Across this green land there were cries of anguish and despair as news of the attack spread. Strangers in the streets united with one and other to share their stories and their really important opinions that mattered; an unspoken bond formed as people, who only days earlier may have had an irrational disliking for the woman entrusted with Ireland's Health Service, now readily agreed that this form of attack was the lowest and cruelest form of terrorism.

Fair and balanced radio presenters like Joe Duffy joined the masses in condemning the attack, calling it “...not just an attack on one of our most beloved Ministers but an attack on the very fabric of our society...”, “...a disgusting, wretched example of the kind of violence that would make a serial killer puke his f**king load”.

In town squares all across Ireland naysayers were hoisted by their necks and hung until they were dead for even suggesting that the “attack” may actually have been exaggerated by the media and that the “attack” was a small price to pay for all the misery caused by Minister Harney in her six years as Minister for Health.

A minutes silence was held in the Dáil today where political friends and foes alike stood side by side, united in their grief and their resolve in facing an uncertain future marred by despicable violence against someone so high up in political office and held in such high regard.

A visibly shaken Gerry Adams arrived by special envoy to address the situation, and perhaps to publicly distance himself from former Sinn Féin councillor/Red Paint Terrorist Mentaler Louise Minihan.  Choking back the tears he issued a statement as he tried to come to terms with madness of it all. 

“Why did it have to be red paint?” he trembled through quivering lips. “Why couldn't it have just been scat? Why couldn't it have just been scat?

A dark day in Irish politics.

Friday, 8 October 2010

Tears For NAMA

Once again, back is the incredible, the rhyme animal, the incredible P!

This week sees the return of our guest editor Papa Hotel as he serves up another delightful dollop of satire with a side order of Truth.

So break out that bib, start salivating and take five minutes out to educate yourself.
Your brain will not be left wanting; and that’s a Templar Times guarantee.

Head on over to Papa Hotels Blog

Friday, 1 October 2010

Brian Cowen Punches Pregnant Woman Just To Prove A Point

Offaly; County Ireland:

The Taoiseach Mr. Brian Cowen assaulted a pregnant woman Tuesday at the opening ceremony of the new €300,000,000 Anglo-Irish Headquarters that doubles as an exclusive Automotive Health Spa for storing Bentleys and Maybachs in hermetically sealed chambers with ambient temperatures and piped music played live 24 hours a day by the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra via holistic satellite feed.

Before cutting the ribbon Mr. Cowen turned to reporters, calmly raised his two fingers to the cameras, announcing “Jesus was a queer!” before turning and delivering the devastating blow to Nora Ryans stomach. As she collapsed to the ground, there was a general shuffling of feet and embarrassed smiles all round from the gathered crowd before the small patter of clapping and murmurs of “good man yerself” could be heard. Mr Cowen looked perplexed at the reaction and shaking his head in disgust walked to his waiting car to continue on his tour of his home constituency; but not before excusing himself by spitting in the mayors face.

Mr Cowen moments after delivering the near fatal
punch to Ms. Ryans solar plexus 

Ms. Ryan, a single mother of three, is said to be in stable condition following the scare and is reported to be making a full recovery.

This latest stunt comes in the wake of a series of embarrassing PR hiccups that have left Mr.Cowens spin doctors clamouring to pick up the pieces; while their Lord and Master seems intent on consigning his final days as the supreme leader of this wreck of a nation to oblivion.

But this isn't how Mr. Cowen sees it.

In a revealing interview on RTE's Prime Time last week the Taoiseach alluded to his seeming infallibility in the eyes of the Irish public. “I don't know what I have to do to get my sorry arse kicked out of this office and consigned to history. I'm at my fuckin wits end.” he blubbed. “No matter how much this government under my leadership fucks things up we are still allowed to remain in office without a fucking clue what to do about it all.” “If this was any other civilized fucking country the public would be up in fucking arms, literally, storming the Bastille so to speak, but no, not here in Ireland, yiz all just sit there in your homes spitting bile at the TV and then doing fuck all about it, ya gobshites.” he said, motioning to the camera with the international hand sign for wanker.

Questioned on whether he thought his government had responded appropriately to the economic meltdown that they had allowed to happen in the first place, Mr. Cowen had only this to say:

“Lookit, I mean, besides the fact that my governments policies and our inaction in dealing with corrupt financial institutions have brought this country to its knees, and that not even one person has been made accountable for the actions that brought us here, or that there is even a notion of a plan that doesn't involve us raping the taxpayer and then drugging them just to re-rape them?

“Of course we haven't responded appropriately! We're a bunch of fuckin morons!! Don't you get it?”

“But you know what? Come Monday morning I'll be strolling back into work without a care in the world, because I know the Irish public are going to do fuck all about it. I can literally say and do anything I want!”

“Yiz cunts.”

Mr Cowens itinerary for the month of October is as follows:

October 9th: Stephens Green, Dublin: Mr Cowen plans to defecate on a copy of the Koran in front of an audience of press photographers and foreign dignitaries and then proceed to draw insulting images of the Prophet Muhammed using his fecal matter.

October 16th: City Hall, Dublin: In an attempt to address the homeless situation Mr. Cowen plans on dowsing a homeless person in petrol and setting them on fire before publicly urinating on their burnt, twisted carcass.

Date to be decided: Using nothing more than a phone book and a high powered assault rifle Mr Cowen plans on killing 24 random Irish citizens in a 24 hour time period unless his demands are met.

October 22nd:Dublin Castle: Award Sean Fitzpatrick the Keys to the City of Dublin in a ceremony honouring all persons involved in the banking crisis and development scandals for their “bravery in the face of adversity”.

Date to be decided: Bomb a hospital.

October 31st: Halloween: Out trick-or-treating with the Len and the boys armed with rotten eggs and stink bombs.

RELATED ARTICLES:  UN Reinstates Term “Dumb Mick”

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Shock revelations as Trial of the Century continues: “We were simply following orders...”

The Hague, International Criminal Court: In a trial that has garnered worldwide public attention the case against 197 of the Vatican City’s top lieutenants and deputies and the Holy Pontiff himself (in absentia) continued this Thursday, with some of the most eye watering revelations to date being read back to the defendants.

In testimonies read by over seven and a half thousand victims so far, the evidence that the Vatican was at the heart of the worlds largest paedophile ring was mounting. Imagine The Killing Fields of Cambodia during Pol Pots reign of terror; but instead of Cambodians being slaughtered for a futile and meaningless cause, it was young children being sexually and violently molested by men of the cloth and the abuses being systematically covered up by an institution that was designed to keep its vast wealth tied up in its headquarters in Rome while convincing vulnerable and gullible people to give their time and money to help sustain a futile and meaningless cause.

Asked to respond to the allegations two of the most high profile defendants were defiant to the last. Obergruppenführer Sean Brady of the Irish Abteilung was non committal in showing any remorse for his inaction in the handling of Feldwebel Brendan “Der Weisse Engel” Smyth; a staff sergeant who would go on to become one of the Vatican’s top child molesters. In response to the charges put to him by the panel of nine International judges “...that he had to have known, and could have prevented the further abuse of children at the hands of Smyth”, Brady replied “I was simply following orders”.

Obergruppenführer Sean Brady

The charges: Gross negligence; dereliction of duty;
facilitation of sex crimes against minors; assistance in the cover up of the crimes of a child rapist.

Flamboyant closet homosexual and velvet dress wearing fag queen Reichsführer Tarcisio “Flaming” Bertone was less forgiving of his accusers and read out a statement in his trademark shrill falsetto which has often been likened to the song of a young castrato. “These so called children were all deviants who were put on this earth to fulfil one prophecy; that of the Devil! Without their existence on this earth my fellow priests would never have succumbed to this weakness! Ergo, it is the children who walked this path and inexorably tainted the lives of innocents, and it is they who will burn in hell for all eternity with the Jews and Heathens!”

Reichsführer Tarcisio Bertone

The charges: Dissemination of hate material; Incitementof violence against minority groups; Being a particularly despicable and nasty piece of work and all round cunt.

Judgement on the first of the six main accused is expected within the next week with sentencing following immediately after for those found guilty. While the Pope has openly asked that the usual sentence meted out by the Catholic Church for such crimes be given, the ruling judge in the case, Sr. Carles Dominico was firm in dispelling any notions that this would be the case. “The usual punishment of a lifetime of prayer and pentinence as regularly ordered by the Church for crimes such as the raping and sexually violent abuse of children by their own clergy seems unrealistic and out of touch with reality to say the very least.”

While currently indicted on 357 separate charges (inclusive of 324 de facto charges by way of inheritance of the mantel of Pontiff), Führer Pope Benedict has yet to be extradited to the Netherlands. Commenting on the proceedings from the safety of his big shiny palace in the Vatican City in Rome, he muttered, “In relation to these matters, all I can say is this.”
“Who, in the name of Jesus H Christ, is going to take me on, huh? I’m the Pope, motherfucker!”

Der Führer; Josef Ratzinger aka Pope Benedict XVI (in absentia)

The charges: Spearheading the worlds largest organised paedophile ring; bribery of officials and private citizens with the express purpose of covering up clerical abuse; Obstruction of justice;

RELATED ARTICLES:  Pope Benedict XVI advocates contraception for abusive priests.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

RCNI’s Clíona Saidléar: Redefining the term “Shrill”

Rape Crisis Network Ireland Policy & Communications Director and Shrill Über-Feminist Clíona Saidléar has done herself no favours this week by announcing that, in her expert opinion, and in incredibly bad English,”...any women appearings [sic] in any advert anywhere that is better looking than I am is a denigrated bitch-slut panndering [sic] to mens rape fantasies.”

Ms. Saidléar’s self serving comment comes in the wake of the RCNI’s formal complaint to the Advertising Standards Authority for Ireland (ASAI) about the incredibly sexy Hunky Dory adverts that the RCNI claim condone the violent abuse and sexual assault of women; and by extension of this that Irish men would respond to the adverts like depraved sexual deviants unable to tell fantasy from reality as they dragged their collective knuckles across the ground.

This misguided and brazenly chauvinist perception of Irish mens supposed attitudes towards women displays once again just how out of touch an organisation can become when they leave their Public Relations in the hands of a person whose only aim is to pander to a small minorities perceived notions while attempting to use playground age pop-psychology to support their argument that would make a first year Sociology student blush.

The official complaints use of the phrase “deeply cynical” in relation to describing an advertisement is literally jaw dropping in its naïveté, as Product Advertising by its very nature is cynical and is used purely as a tool to part people from their money to buy things that they don’t need but can’t afford not to have.

At the time of going to press none of this really matters as no one is buying the corrugated, vomit tasting excuses that pass for a confectionery snack anyway.

Dublin Bus to treble fumes output by 2012

Dublin, Filthy; Not content with their current output of pollution in the countries capital, Dublin Bus CEO Joe Meagher announced Tuesday a new initiative to increase threefold the amount of sickening fumes belched out by the overworked and dilapidated bus fleet.
“A first step would be to increase our cap of 500 parts per million of sulfur to at least 10,000 parts per million by way of never changing our filters and using cheaper, low-grade diesel.”
“After that we just need to sit back and wait.”

As there are still no provisions in place for an equivalent of the NCT or an Independent Regulator to oversee the maintenance of buses operating in the city it is expected that Dublin Bus will happily fulfil their obligation to poison as many commuters as possible without fear of repercussion from any kind of environmental protection body.

Exhaust from diesel engines is made up of both gases and soot. The gas portion is mainly comprised of carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, nitrogen dioxide, sulfur oxides and hydrocarbons. These are all elements that will help contribute to making Dublin one of Europes dirtiest and most polluted cities; a title that most Dubliners wear with pride.

Left: The new €50 million logo. It’s slanted.

Dublin Bus - The Promise
By 2012 at is hoped that at least 25,000 Dublin commuters are expected to begin showing signs of the following:
  • Degradation of the immune system directly due to excessive diesel fumes output
  • Reduced sperm production
  • Considerable risk to unborn children including damage to the • thymus, nervous system, adrenal and reproductive systems
  • Serious and permanent impairment of the nervous system of commuters exposed to the fume output on a daily basis
The Garda Síochána, eunuchs of the law enforcement world, were unable to talk to our reporter at the time of going to press as 87% of the force was giving out speeding tickets to average citizens doing 65kmph in a 60kmph zone on a dual-carriageway.

Asked to comment on the increasing amount of pollution poisoning commuters in the city Environment Minister John “Gormeless” Gormley actually looked a little put out that he should have to answer to anyone about anything. “Ehhh, we have special provisions in place to deal with matters such as this that are at an advanced stage of planning and we are sure will deal with matter in a robust and timely manner blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Letters To The Editor: Hey Jude

Today's guest editor is Papa Hotel; raconteur supreme and inventor of the Smelly Glove. You can follow him at Papa Hotel Lives.

Dear Sir,

I appear to have some pages missing from my script. Raised, as I was, on a cosy diet of simpering Hollywood principles and the over-simplistic moral whitewashing of the Weinstein Brothers, I was given to understand that one’s goal in life is threefold:

1) Overcome adversity
2) Win the girl
3) Make the world a better place for those less muscley / less sexy / less wealthy than you

So what in the name of our murdered Jesus is going on with Israel? The Jews that settled there weren’t a wet week out of the death camps before they started kicking over sand castles and getting argey-bargey with the locals, like a pack of East-London teens on a binge in Ibiza. It seems that the same principles that cause an abused child to grow into a child abuser operate as effectively at a mob level. What kind of sickness could cause a people, united by the very thing for which they were once oppressed, to replicate the viciousness of that oppression upon fellow men, women and children. There must be something of the canker in the cure then for it appears that the pseudo-legitimate state of Israel, with all of its elastic borders, have learned no lessons from the history of Nazi Germany other than some useful tips on the containment and extermination of the innocent. Any day now Belling(TM) and Hotpoint(TM) will probably start competing for an Israeli government tender to supply 5,000 industrial sized ovens with an option on the fitout of high-capacity shower rooms.

David P. Novak

Papa Hotel appears courtesy of Girly Man Productions ©2010

UN Reinstates Term “Dumb Mick”

New York; With a landslide majority vote of 190 to 1 the UN voted this Thursday to reinstate the term “Dumb Mick” as an officially recognised derogatory term when referring to the nation and people of the Republic of Ireland. Having been outlawed since 1995 the return of this popular term has delighted critics of the Irish State who feel it has been a long time coming.

“For too long we have had the image of the Celtic Tiger thrust in our faces.” said a whiny Britain. “It’s about time those Paddys came back down to earth with a bang.”
Since the collapse of the Irish economy the rest of the world has awoken from the trance they were in, realising that all in all during the boom times Ireland had contributed very little to furthering the human race and had in fact spent all of their money on flat screen televisions and small hand held telephone devices.

Ireland, it would seem, had not been the centre of the fucking universe.

“Celtic Tiger? Celtic Pussys more like, har har har!” Commented Australia in a casual observation of the Irish sheepishness since the collapse of their economy and the Irish peoples utter inability to do anything other than feel impotent rage and mawkishly bitch and moan about the whole situation.

France declined to comment and Germany simply squeezed their thumb and forefinger on the bridge of their nose, and wincing, let out an audible sigh of stoic annoyance.
Ireland was unavailable for comment as it had clapped its hands over its ears and was reciting its usual mantra. “la la la la la la la la la!”.

While the world remained divided on whether Ireland was in fact a third rate, First World basketcase or a first rate, Third World basketcase, everyone was in agreement that Israel is a complete asshole.

Below: The traditional image of a Celtic Cub c. 1999-2008

...and today

The Vatican: Pope Benedict XVI advocates contraception for abusive priests.

In a landmark ruling yesterday the Vatican announced that an official edict had been passed by his Holiness Pope Benedict the XVI which would now allow priests who abuse and rape young children to use contraception. The decision, first announced during the Popes weekly address to the congregation at St. Peters initially sent shock waves through the crowd but overall was received with a sheepish and muted acceptance.

The decision comes amid recent claims that venereal diseases among priests who abuse and rape young children has almost trebled in Sub Saharan Africa and parts of South America. Turning to Africa, a spokesman for the Vatican, Cardinal Michael O’Rourke explained the reasons behind this shocking rise. “For some inexplicable reason these savages of the Dark Continent harbour the belief that unprotected sexual intercourse resulting in AIDS is a lesser evil than using contraception; a view we wholly endorse, incidentally.” O’Rourke continues: “With so many of the savages population encumbered by this unholy disease it is only natural that a majority of our priests who enjoy, to use the vernacular, ‘riding bareback’ may come into contact with some form of infection.”

The edict aims to tackle this increase in reported STDs among the Catholic Clergy as well as providing the Church with a platform to sound a change in protocol that will herald in a new era of modern thinking.

The move has been welcomed by progressive Catholics who acknowledge this as a sign that the Catholic Church is making steps into a new arena; one which embraces modernity and change. Catholics United in Nurturing Trust (C.U.N.T) spokesthing Ariel Slivera spoke of the bravery of Pope Benedict. “His Holiness has once again shown that he truly understands the nature of Jesus Christ and that he will stop at nothing to bring Catholicism, the one true religion, into the twenty first century.

Critics of the move caution that while condoms, diaphragms and woollen socks have long been known to help curtail the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, the current lack of availability of contraceptives, especially in the Sub Saharan regions of the African continent where they are mostly seen as evil and un-Christian, makes the prospect of the new edict being enacted a long and arduous task. “There would have to be a change of attitude, both social and cultural, on a massive scale for this new ruling to be of any success in many countries in Africa.” highlights Maria Scorzella, Director of the Catholic aid organisation Savage Heart. “The Catholic Church would need to revise their teachings to ensure that the savages would let their children be abused by a priest using contraception, and that there would be no shame or stigma involved.”

Refusing to be drawn into a debate on the ruling, the Supreme Pontiff issued a statement Tuesday. “Hey, look, I don’t make the rules, you know. That’s Gods job. I’m just the messenger, a conduit if you will. You got a problem with it go take it up with him.”. Commenting on Africa in particular the statement read: “As I have said before, The AIDS virus seriously threatens the economic and social stability of the continent...but more than that the virus threatens one of our priests every time a sexy child lays itself open to sexual abuse.”

“Heil Hitler.” He added.

Some 19 million Africans are currently living with AIDS. The UN estimates that without new initiatives and greater access to drugs, more than 80 million Africans may die from AIDS by 2025 and HIV infections could reach 90 million, or 10% of the continent’s population.

In stark contrast it is hoped that the ranks of paedophile priests reporting venereal
diseases could be reduced to as low as 0.3% by the same date with the new ruling in place.