Editorial: Historic MaNappies® and Onesie-Funsies® Deal Heralds End of Western Civilisation

Reporter:  Dr Margot Fontaine DPhil

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 Western civilisation was dealt a fatal blow on Tuesday when newly founded startup Manappies® signed an historic deal with Onesie-Funsies®, the company behind babywear for fully fucking grown men. 

Founded less than six months ago the merger of the startup with established industry giant Onesie-Funsies® signals a change in the world of fashion and the world at large that could have far reaching consequences for Western civilisation.

MaNappies® founder and chairman Percival Baxter-Smyth III mused on the rapid rise in popularity of this latest deconstruction of the human condition.  “The predilection for wearing nappies and infant clothing by fully grown men was once the preserve of eccentric millionaires, but in just the last twelve months there has been a rapid interest and widespread acceptance in the mainstream for this fabulous way of life.”

“Indeed, the embrace of all things infantile has been championed by none other than the guardians of Western civilisation; our actors, musicians and celebrities. I think it is to them that we owe a debt of gratitude.”

“Apart from the fantastic fashionosity of it all there are the practical aspects to think of too.  Why, during the very time that we have had this conversation I have soiled myself on three occasions.”

The Onesie-Funsies®-MaNappies® Summer 2013 Collection promises to degrade and emasculate the Western male even further with the release of such grotesqueries as the Big-Boy-Bib™, Hercules-Poopy-Cream™ and the Soothy-Woothy™ male pacifier. 

The decline of modern civilisation

While Smyth has no small part to play in the downfall of Western society, his contribution of a designer grown man’s nappy is symptomatic of a much bigger threat facing humankind in general.  Apathy.

Today, walking unaided on the streets in a town you live in, are fully fucking grown men wearing the clothing of newborn babies.  No one stops to point at them.  There is not even a hint of revulsion or scorn for these man-children.  What we must do as custodians of common decency is take them across our knees and spank, spank, spank until some sense of awareness and decorum seeps into their enfeebled little minds.  Only with decisive actions like this does Western civilisation stand any chance of a re-emergence in this century or the next.

These grown men proudly soil themselves and wear onesies in public

Mark my words.

M.F. February 2013

Rabid Cinema-Goers Fucking Ecstatic About Latest Hollywood Remakes

2013 is shaping up to be yet another year of solid filmmaking and remakes galore; and cinema-goers could not be happier.  With not one original film being included in the 2013 movie roster, rabid devotees of the silver screen are ready to slavishly lap up any offering at all that Hollywood shits directly into their eyeballs.

Visionary director Zack Snyder's reintroduction of the Godfather Trilogy 3D has all of Hollywood abuzz as the director promises “Mafia shoot-outs that will make your fucking head spin”.  In a nod to the lengthy screen time of the original trilogy Snyder plans to film and show all three films back to back in “some kind of a giant fucking nine hour mash up of a fucking movie.”  

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“Shit’s going to be awesome” he added. 

Stephen Sommers’ remake of A Clockwork Orange starring Hayden Christiansen is being touted as the highlight of 2013, with fans of the Stanley Kubrick popcorn movie openly praising the Canadian actor for taking on a role that Malcolm McDowell “practically sleepwalked though” in the widely panned 1971 original.

Steven Spielberg has promised fans his reimagining of Citizen Kane, starring Leonardo Di Caprio in the titular role will remain completely faithful to the original with the use of state-of-the-art CGI, virtual actors on blue screen and live motion capture. The script by George Lucas promises to bring the same magic to the screen that the duo have brought to the on-going Indian Jones series.

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On the subject of George Lucas, the film maestro has surprised fans with his announcement of a re-emerging of the original Star Wars, A New Hope instalment.  “I plan to reboot and redefine the entire franchise starting with A New Hope and allow a whole new generation to rediscover the magic that made the original so timeless.”  With Zac Efron in talks to play Luke Skywalker and Taylor Lautner already signed on to play space cowboy Han Solo, Star Wars fans can barely contain their excitement as the franchise is reborn into the 21^st Century.

LA-based Cinematic Psychologist and part-time waitress Wanda Hoffmann theorises on the public’s unwavering appetite for repackaged, reprocessed and repeated cinema fare.

“In these uncertain recessionary time’s audiences really find comfort and solace in familiarity – and where better than the hallowed, darkened spaces of our great nations theatres to experience this collectively as a group.”

“Originality sows seeds of doubt, the fear of the New; these are all enemies of the rebranding and resynchronisation creative process. “ shuddered Hoffmann.

Other projects recently green lit and just as eagerly anticipated include a redux of Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver and Goodfellas, a reinvention of the Batman franchise, and a revisiting of the Lethal Weapon series.

Paul Ryan Terminates Pregnancy After Just First Trimester

It was hailed as the most audacious political statement and social experiment of the 21^st Century; a human male being impregnated and bringing a pregnancy to full term.   

But now, just three short months later it has ended, mired in controversy.

Six months ago United States Representative for Wisconsin's 1st congressional district, Paul Ryan, committed himself to a partial sex change in order that he could become pregnant and bear a child.  

The reason?  To prove to his detractors that he was willing to put himself in the firing line and suffer the physical, psychological and physiological demands of pregnancy and the pain of child birth no matter what the cause of conception.

The method of conception?  Gang rape.

Above: The maximum security prison where 

Ryan conceived his unborn child

A month after the successful operation Ryan had himself voluntarily incarcerated in Wisconsin’s Secure Facility Program in Boscobel.  Ryan was then subjected to repeated gang rape up to five times a day over a period of two weeks.  On his release and newly pregnant he vowed to continue to full term, stating “The life that grows inside of me is the seed of God Himself.” 

And now, today, just three months into his pregnancy Ryan has abruptly announced that the experiment would have to be discontinued.

Sacrifice and Integrity.

In an emotional interview with Wisconsin’s foremost Republican Party online publication, Rich White American Today, Ryan clearly outlined the reasons for abandoning the idea of following through on his pregnancy.  

“Knowing  the work that lies ahead as the 2012 presidential campaign gets into full swing  I have come to realise that this great experiment is a distraction from the bigger issues; my becoming Vice-President of these United States of America.”  An emotional Ryan continued. “My noble crusade for Righteousness should not come at the cost of Americans losing out on the chance of having me as their Vice-President.”  

“Did I also mention the Stretch marks, haemorrhoids, back pain, mood swings, nausea, heartburn, lethargy, insomnia and sore, swollen feet?”

Pro-Life.  For Life.

Above:  Ryan poses for the press before 

undergoing the termination procedure

“I truly believe that my pro-life position has been reinforced by this overwhelming experience, from the pregnancy itself to my decision to cancel the experiment.  More than ever I realise that the burden of making such a life-changing decision should not be left to a woman, who is clearly not in control of all her faculties when pregnant.  Luckily for me I am still actually a man and can make rational, informed decisions about my own body.”

Controversy.

Hysterical, shrill left wing reports that the child had a 93% chance of being African-American or Hispanic have sparked rumours that this was the primary reason for the termination of the experiment.  Spokesman for Ryan, a calm and collected Joseph Kilcoon, had this to say on the matter. “Everybody knows that Mr Ryan had an African-American girlfriend in college.  To suggest that he may have had any misgivings about bearing a mixed-race child is disingenuous and slanderous to say the least.”