Tuesday, 31 December 2013

The Templar Times Celebrates Publication of Fifth News Article of 2013

In what has proven to be a whirlwind year of ground-breaking news reporting, gripping exposes and top class journalism, The Templar Times this week celebrated the publication of its fifth news article of 2013.

The Templar Times newsroom: 
nerve center of the publishing giant
Considered by many to be the world’s leading online news source, it has always been The Templar Times credo that quality above quantity be the guiding force behind all newsworthy stories reported to its slavering audience.

2013 has proven to be the year where the quality bar was raised higher than ever before since the founding of the newspaper in 1888 by brothers Thadeus and Sigmund Templar – with only five articles being considered worthy of publication, including this one.

Chief Editor Gottfried Templar:  "After 125 years of publishing we are only now really hitting our stride, putting out the stories that our competitors are only too willing to ignore in pursuit of what they see as so-called valid mainstream media expectations.  We have no such compunctions here at the Times; and I think our record in 2013 reflects this."

"In fact, in 2014 we plan to raise the bar even further and put out even less articles than we did this year." 

"We look forward to seeing all of you then, our loyal readers, and wish you all the very best for an industrious and productive new year from all the hard working staff here at The Templar Times."

Above:  Crowds gather in New York’s Times Square for the launch of The Templar Times MaNappies-Onsie Funsies report; an article Time magazine called "a game changer."

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Chinese Man Looks Oddly Out Of Place At STAR WARS Auditions

Mr Chung joins the hopeful masses at London’s O2

London, England:  As the media juggernaut that is the Star Wars Episode VII-IX Auditions Tour jumps to hyperdrive and invades Europe, fans and hopefuls alike were treated to the baffling sight of a Chinaman joining the queue of the estimated 25,000 people that turned up to fulfil that lifelong dream and try to secure a role in the next three episodes of the grand space opera.

Ching Chong Chung (52), had arrived at the O2 Arena by rickshaw direct from Londons Chinatown with a dream of securing his place in history and becoming the first Chinaman to star in the most successful movie franchise of all time.

“the only Wookie in the galaxy”
Critics of the original trilogy have often lamented the lack of ethnic diversity in the STAR WARS universe.  While some ethnic groups, like the Irish Leprechaun, received numerous roles throughout the three films, others were reduced to just one instance of their existence being portrayed.  By 1980 and the release of The Empire Strikes Back it had lead to a phrase being coined that Han Solo’s trusted co-pilot was “the only Wookie in the galaxy.”

The prequels also received their share of criticism when, in a misguided effort to pander to liberal sensibilities, George Lucas included many other ethnic characters in the cast line-up and proceeded to give them fantastically hilarious johnny foreigner accents; none more side-splitting than the much loved Jar Jar Jar Binks, whose catchphrase “Yessuh massah, sho’ nuff!” has become enshrined in STAR WARS lore alongside “I am your father!” and “"But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!"

However, throughout the entire series and all subsequent spin-offs and animated projects there has yet to be a single Chinese STAR WARS character – something Mr Chung was keenly aware of as he stood in line, bravely awaiting his turn to face the STAR WARS casting director.

Minutes later and it was all over; Mr Chung had been directed to the O2 kitchens to help assist the overworked staff as they struggled to feed the throngs of acting hopefuls queuing outside.

Casting director Robinn Garland spoke briefly with The Templar Times shortly after Mr Chungs removal to the kitchens.

“Look, my job is difficult enough as it is, casting for the most anticipated film of the 21st century.  There is no way I’m rocking the boat with a decision as momentous as casting a Chinaman.  I just don’t think Western audiences are ready for that yet.”

Japanesies, African American Slaves and The Irish have 
all received high profile roles in the STAR WARS saga.

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Camel Cigarettes Celebrate 100 Years Of Killing Their Customers

Camel, the smooth tasting, flavoursome and addictive cigarette brand, has unveiled a sleek new advertising campaign to mark its one hundred years in the business of killing its customers.

R.J. Reynolds,  the company behind the product whose sole purpose it is to help cause the deaths of their millions of users excitedly unveiled the new campaign at this year’s annual Liberty Smokers Convention in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

With the new strapline, “We go the extra mile”, a take on the classic Camel slogan, spokesman for R.J. Reynolds Public Affairs, Executive Vice President Robert H. Dunham, commented on the new campaign and its importance for Camel.

 “We may have survived two world wars, the atom bomb and even the invention of disco, but that doesn’t mean we can become complacent.“

“Our customers expect us to stay at the forefront of promoting the great Camel brand as it helps legitimise what we do as being completely normal and acceptable in a modern, enlightened society.”

 “Our product may just be a cylindrical piece of paper filled with a substance that when ignited produces a chemical reaction causing thousands of carcinogenic and poisonous compounds within the smoke produced to swirl around your mouth before being breathed inside your lungs causing addiction and eventually a complete breakdown of the human body before succumbing to disease and death; but it also so much more than that.  It’s a lifestyle.”

“Much in the same way that Coca-Cola is so much more than just a carbonated drink with vegetable extracts in a can.”

Only days after the launch of the billboard adverts, anti-tobacco protest groups and other stick-in-the-muds have already begun online public campaigns against Camel, calling the images used tasteless and abhorrent, in particular an image which uses the striking image of the World Trade Center in New York, ablaze amid plumes of smoke after an attack in 2001.

The controversial "Smoking Towers" image
[click to enlarge]

“In defence of the new campaign, Camels success has always come from its willingness to test the waters and try something new and daring, not being afraid to take chances.  These adverts show that, hey guess what, R.J. Reynolds has a sense of humour, we can laugh at ourselves, and we're okay with that – and besides, 9/11 was what, like ten years ago or something.  I think these people really need to examine themselves and start the healing process.”

Additionally, argues Dunham, it won’t be Americans that will be seeing the billboards as the advertising campaign has its sights set clearly on more liberated and freedom loving developing and third world countries, where in stark contrast to developed countries tobacco consumption is increasing year on year by over 3%. 

Using projected figures it is hoped by R.J. Reynolds and other tobacco companies that by 2030, 80% of the estimated 8 million deaths caused annually directly from tobacco use will be in developing and third world countries.

“I mean, those are the kind of figures you just can’t ignore.”

Rwanda is the setting for the series most popular image 
[click to enlarge]

Friday, 22 February 2013

Editorial: Historic MaNappies® and Onesie-Funsies® Deal Heralds End of Western Civilisation

Reporter:  Dr Margot Fontaine DPhil

[click to enlarge]

 Western civilisation was dealt a fatal blow on Tuesday when newly founded startup Manappies® signed an historic deal with Onesie-Funsies®, the company behind babywear for fully fucking grown men. 

Founded less than six months ago the merger of the startup with established industry giant Onesie-Funsies® signals a change in the world of fashion and the world at large that could have far reaching consequences for Western civilisation.

MaNappies® founder and chairman Percival Baxter-Smyth III mused on the rapid rise in popularity of this latest deconstruction of the human condition.  “The predilection for wearing nappies and infant clothing by fully grown men was once the preserve of eccentric millionaires, but in just the last twelve months there has been a rapid interest and widespread acceptance in the mainstream for this fabulous way of life.”

“Indeed, the embrace of all things infantile has been championed by none other than the guardians of Western civilisation; our actors, musicians and celebrities. I think it is to them that we owe a debt of gratitude.”

“Apart from the fantastic fashionosity of it all there are the practical aspects to think of too.  Why, during the very time that we have had this conversation I have soiled myself on three occasions.”

The Onesie-Funsies®-MaNappies® Summer 2013 Collection promises to degrade and emasculate the Western male even further with the release of such grotesqueries as the Big-Boy-Bib™, Hercules-Poopy-Cream™ and the Soothy-Woothy™ male pacifier. 

The decline of modern civilisation

While Smyth has no small part to play in the downfall of Western society, his contribution of a designer grown man’s nappy is symptomatic of a much bigger threat facing humankind in general.  Apathy.

Today, walking unaided on the streets in a town you live in, are fully fucking grown men wearing the clothing of newborn babies.  No one stops to point at them.  There is not even a hint of revulsion or scorn for these man-children.  What we must do as custodians of common decency is take them across our knees and spank, spank, spank until some sense of awareness and decorum seeps into their enfeebled little minds.  Only with decisive actions like this does Western civilisation stand any chance of a re-emergence in this century or the next.

These grown men proudly soil themselves and wear onesies in public

Mark my words.

M.F. February 2013

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Rabid Cinema-Goers Fucking Ecstatic About Latest Hollywood Remakes

2013 is shaping up to be yet another year of solid filmmaking and remakes galore; and cinema-goers could not be happier.  With not one original film being included in the 2013 movie roster, rabid devotees of the silver screen are ready to slavishly lap up any offering at all that Hollywood shits directly into their eyeballs.

Visionary director Zack Snyder's reintroduction of the Godfather Trilogy 3D has all of Hollywood abuzz as the director promises “Mafia shoot-outs that will make your fucking head spin”.  In a nod to the lengthy screen time of the original trilogy Snyder plans to film and show all three films back to back in “some kind of a giant fucking nine hour mash up of a fucking movie.”  

Click to enlarge
“Shit’s going to be awesome” he added. 

Stephen Sommers’ remake of A Clockwork Orange starring Hayden Christiansen is being touted as the highlight of 2013, with fans of the Stanley Kubrick popcorn movie openly praising the Canadian actor for taking on a role that Malcolm McDowell “practically sleepwalked though” in the widely panned 1971 original.

Steven Spielberg has promised fans his reimagining of Citizen Kane, starring Leonardo Di Caprio in the titular role will remain completely faithful to the original with the use of state-of-the-art CGI, virtual actors on blue screen and live motion capture. The script by George Lucas promises to bring the same magic to the screen that the duo have brought to the on-going Indiana Jones series.

Click to enlarge
On the subject of George Lucas, the film maestro has surprised fans with his announcement of a re-emerging of the original Star Wars, A New Hope instalment.  “I plan to reboot and redefine the entire franchise starting with A New Hope and allow a whole new generation to rediscover the magic that made the original so timeless.”  With Zac Efron in talks to play Luke Skywalker and Taylor Lautner already signed on to play space cowboy Han Solo, Star Wars fans can barely contain their excitement as the franchise is reborn into the 21st Century.

LA-based Cinematic Psychologist and part-time waitress Wanda Hoffmann theorises on the public’s unwavering appetite for repackaged, reprocessed and repeated cinema fare.

“In these uncertain recessionary time’s audiences really find comfort and solace in familiarity – and where better than the hallowed, darkened spaces of our great nations theatres to experience this collectively as a group.”

“Originality sows seeds of doubt, the fear of the New; these are all enemies of the rebranding and resynchronisation creative process. “ shuddered Hoffmann.

Other projects recently green lit and just as eagerly anticipated include a redux of Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver and Goodfellas, a reinvention of the Batman franchise, and a revisiting of the Lethal Weapon series.

Monday, 3 September 2012

Paul Ryan Terminates Pregnancy After Just First Trimester

It was hailed as the most audacious political statement and social experiment of the 21st Century; a human male being impregnated and bringing a pregnancy to full term.   
But now, just three short months later it has ended, mired in controversy.

Six months ago United States Representative for Wisconsin's 1st congressional district, Paul Ryan, committed himself to a partial sex change in order that he could become pregnant and bear a child.  

The reason?  To prove to his detractors that he was willing to put himself in the firing line and suffer the physical, psychological and physiological demands of pregnancy and the pain of child birth no matter what the cause of conception.

The method of conception?  Gang rape.

Above: The maximum security prison where 
Ryan conceived his unborn child
A month after the successful operation Ryan had himself voluntarily incarcerated in Wisconsin’s Secure Facility Program in Boscobel.  Ryan was then subjected to repeated gang rape up to five times a day over a period of two weeks.  On his release and newly pregnant he vowed to continue to full term, stating “The life that grows inside of me is the seed of God Himself.” 

And now, today, just three months into his pregnancy Ryan has abruptly announced that the experiment would have to be discontinued.

Sacrifice and Integrity.

In an emotional interview with Wisconsin’s foremost Republican Party online publication, Rich White American Today, Ryan clearly outlined the reasons for abandoning the idea of following through on his pregnancy.  

“Knowing  the work that lies ahead as the 2012 presidential campaign gets into full swing  I have come to realise that this great experiment is a distraction from the bigger issues; my becoming Vice-President of these United States of America.”  An emotional Ryan continued. “My noble crusade for Righteousness should not come at the cost of Americans losing out on the chance of having me as their Vice-President.”  

“Did I also mention the Stretch marks, haemorrhoids, back pain, mood swings, nausea, heartburn, lethargy, insomnia and sore, swollen feet?”

Pro-Life.  For Life.

Above:  Ryan poses for the press before 
undergoing the termination procedure
“I truly believe that my pro-life position has been reinforced by this overwhelming experience, from the pregnancy itself to my decision to cancel the experiment.  More than ever I realise that the burden of making such a life-changing decision should not be left to a woman, who is clearly not in control of all her faculties when pregnant.  Luckily for me I am still actually a man and can make rational, informed decisions about my own body.”


Hysterical, shrill left wing reports that the child had a 93% chance of being African-American or Hispanic have sparked rumours that this was the primary reason for the termination of the experiment.  Spokesman for Ryan, a calm and collected Joseph Kilcoon, had this to say on the matter. “Everybody knows that Mr Ryan had an African-American girlfriend in college.  To suggest that he may have had any misgivings about bearing a mixed-race child is disingenuous and slanderous to say the least.”