Sunday, 27 January 2013

Rabid Cinema-Goers Fucking Ecstatic About Latest Hollywood Remakes



2013 is shaping up to be yet another year of solid filmmaking and remakes galore; and cinema-goers could not be happier.  With not one original film being included in the 2013 movie roster, rabid devotees of the silver screen are ready to slavishly lap up any offering at all that Hollywood shits directly into their eyeballs.

Visionary director Zack Snyder's reintroduction of the Godfather Trilogy 3D has all of Hollywood abuzz as the director promises “Mafia shoot-outs that will make your fucking head spin”.  In a nod to the lengthy screen time of the original trilogy Snyder plans to film and show all three films back to back in “some kind of a giant fucking nine hour mash up of a fucking movie.”  

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“Shit’s going to be awesome” he added. 

Stephen Sommers’ remake of A Clockwork Orange starring Hayden Christiansen is being touted as the highlight of 2013, with fans of the Stanley Kubrick popcorn movie openly praising the Canadian actor for taking on a role that Malcolm McDowell “practically sleepwalked though” in the widely panned 1971 original.

Steven Spielberg has promised fans his reimagining of Citizen Kane, starring Leonardo Di Caprio in the titular role will remain completely faithful to the original with the use of state-of-the-art CGI, virtual actors on blue screen and live motion capture. The script by George Lucas promises to bring the same magic to the screen that the duo have brought to the on-going Indiana Jones series.

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On the subject of George Lucas, the film maestro has surprised fans with his announcement of a re-emerging of the original Star Wars, A New Hope instalment.  “I plan to reboot and redefine the entire franchise starting with A New Hope and allow a whole new generation to rediscover the magic that made the original so timeless.”  With Zac Efron in talks to play Luke Skywalker and Taylor Lautner already signed on to play space cowboy Han Solo, Star Wars fans can barely contain their excitement as the franchise is reborn into the 21st Century.

LA-based Cinematic Psychologist and part-time waitress Wanda Hoffmann theorises on the public’s unwavering appetite for repackaged, reprocessed and repeated cinema fare.

“In these uncertain recessionary time’s audiences really find comfort and solace in familiarity – and where better than the hallowed, darkened spaces of our great nations theatres to experience this collectively as a group.”

“Originality sows seeds of doubt, the fear of the New; these are all enemies of the rebranding and resynchronisation creative process. “ shuddered Hoffmann.

Other projects recently green lit and just as eagerly anticipated include a redux of Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver and Goodfellas, a reinvention of the Batman franchise, and a revisiting of the Lethal Weapon series.

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