Monday, 3 September 2012

Paul Ryan Terminates Pregnancy After Just First Trimester

It was hailed as the most audacious political statement and social experiment of the 21st Century; a human male being impregnated and bringing a pregnancy to full term.   
But now, just three short months later it has ended, mired in controversy.

Six months ago United States Representative for Wisconsin's 1st congressional district, Paul Ryan, committed himself to a partial sex change in order that he could become pregnant and bear a child.  

The reason?  To prove to his detractors that he was willing to put himself in the firing line and suffer the physical, psychological and physiological demands of pregnancy and the pain of child birth no matter what the cause of conception.

The method of conception?  Gang rape.

Above: The maximum security prison where 
Ryan conceived his unborn child
A month after the successful operation Ryan had himself voluntarily incarcerated in Wisconsin’s Secure Facility Program in Boscobel.  Ryan was then subjected to repeated gang rape up to five times a day over a period of two weeks.  On his release and newly pregnant he vowed to continue to full term, stating “The life that grows inside of me is the seed of God Himself.” 

And now, today, just three months into his pregnancy Ryan has abruptly announced that the experiment would have to be discontinued.

Sacrifice and Integrity.

In an emotional interview with Wisconsin’s foremost Republican Party online publication, Rich White American Today, Ryan clearly outlined the reasons for abandoning the idea of following through on his pregnancy.  

“Knowing  the work that lies ahead as the 2012 presidential campaign gets into full swing  I have come to realise that this great experiment is a distraction from the bigger issues; my becoming Vice-President of these United States of America.”  An emotional Ryan continued. “My noble crusade for Righteousness should not come at the cost of Americans losing out on the chance of having me as their Vice-President.”  

“Did I also mention the Stretch marks, haemorrhoids, back pain, mood swings, nausea, heartburn, lethargy, insomnia and sore, swollen feet?”

Pro-Life.  For Life.

Above:  Ryan poses for the press before 
undergoing the termination procedure
“I truly believe that my pro-life position has been reinforced by this overwhelming experience, from the pregnancy itself to my decision to cancel the experiment.  More than ever I realise that the burden of making such a life-changing decision should not be left to a woman, who is clearly not in control of all her faculties when pregnant.  Luckily for me I am still actually a man and can make rational, informed decisions about my own body.”


Hysterical, shrill left wing reports that the child had a 93% chance of being African-American or Hispanic have sparked rumours that this was the primary reason for the termination of the experiment.  Spokesman for Ryan, a calm and collected Joseph Kilcoon, had this to say on the matter. “Everybody knows that Mr Ryan had an African-American girlfriend in college.  To suggest that he may have had any misgivings about bearing a mixed-race child is disingenuous and slanderous to say the least.”

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