Shock revelations as Trial of the Century continues: “We were simply following orders...”

The Hague, International Criminal Court: In a trial that has garnered worldwide public attention the case against 197 of the Vatican City’s top lieutenants and deputies and the Holy Pontiff himself (in absentia) continued this Thursday, with some of the most eye watering revelations to date being read back to the defendants.

In testimonies read by over seven and a half thousand victims so far, the evidence that the Vatican was at the heart of the worlds largest paedophile ring was mounting. Imagine The Killing Fields of Cambodia during Pol Pots reign of terror; but instead of Cambodians being slaughtered for a futile and meaningless cause, it was young children being sexually and violently molested by men of the cloth and the abuses being systematically covered up by an institution that was designed to keep its vast wealth tied up in its headquarters in Rome while convincing vulnerable and gullible people to give their time and money to help sustain a futile and meaningless cause.


Asked to respond to the allegations two of the most high profile defendants were defiant to the last. Obergruppenführer Sean Brady of the Irish Abteilung was non committal in showing any remorse for his inaction in the handling of Feldwebel Brendan “Der Weisse Engel” Smyth; a staff sergeant who would go on to become one of the Vatican’s top child molesters. In response to the charges put to him by the panel of nine International judges “...that he had to have known, and could have prevented the further abuse of children at the hands of Smyth”, Brady replied “I was simply following orders”.

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Obergruppenführer Sean Brady

– The charges: Gross negligence; dereliction of duty;
facilitation of sex crimes against minors; assistance in the cover up of the crimes of a child rapist.
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Flamboyant closet homosexual and velvet dress wearing fag queen Reichsführer Tarcisio “Flaming” Bertone was less forgiving of his accusers and read out a statement in his trademark shrill falsetto which has often been likened to the song of a young castrato. “These so called children were all deviants who were put on this earth to fulfil one prophecy; that of the Devil! Without their existence on this earth my fellow priests would never have succumbed to this weakness! Ergo, it is the children who walked this path and inexorably tainted the lives of innocents, and it is they who will burn in hell for all eternity with the Jews and Heathens!”

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Reichsführer Tarcisio Bertone

– The charges: Dissemination of hate material; Incitementof violence against minority groups; Being a particularly despicable and nasty piece of work and all round cunt.
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Judgement on the first of the six main accused is expected within the next week with sentencing following immediately after for those found guilty. While the Pope has openly asked that the usual sentence meted out by the Catholic Church for such crimes be given, the ruling judge in the case, Sr. Carles Dominico was firm in dispelling any notions that this would be the case. “The usual punishment of a lifetime of prayer and pentinence as regularly ordered by the Church for crimes such as the raping and sexually violent abuse of children by their own clergy seems unrealistic and out of touch with reality to say the very least.”


While currently indicted on 357 separate charges (inclusive of 324 de facto charges by way of inheritance of the mantel of Pontiff), Führer Pope Benedict has yet to be extradited to the Netherlands. Commenting on the proceedings from the safety of his big shiny palace in the Vatican City in Rome, he muttered, “In relation to these matters, all I can say is this.”
“Who, in the name of Jesus H Christ, is going to take me on, huh? I’m the Pope, motherfucker!”

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Der Führer; Josef Ratzinger aka Pope Benedict XVI (in absentia)

– The charges: Spearheading the worlds largest organised paedophile ring; bribery of officials and private citizens with the express purpose of covering up clerical abuse; Obstruction of justice;
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