Monday, 26 September 2011

J.J. Abrams Promises At Least 87% More Lens Flare In Star Trek Sequel

As Trekkers©, Trekkies™ and Trekkists® across the known universe collectively wet their nappies at the news that Hollywood wunderkind J.J.J.J.Abrams will indeed helm the next installment of the Star Trek franchise, the director himself has let slip that the special effects department will be spending a whopping $165 Million on lighting effects alone.

“I know one of the biggest complaints people had about the first one was that we didn’t light the bridge of the Enterprise up well enough, that it was too murky”  Abrams lamented.  “Well we’re addressing that head on with the sequel and will be adding a minimum of twenty-five lens flare capture effects for every half-second of screen time the bridge has.”  

"Too murky." Star Trek 2009
So confident are Paramount that cinema-goers will not be disappointed with the planned specfuckular light-fest frenzy that they are offering free tickets for a re-showing to anyone that emerges from the theater without cataracts, sunburnt corneas or dislodged retinas.

“We’re really upping the ante!” whooped a visibly erect Abrams.

"More lens flare needed."
 Villains, rumours and beyond.

With the sequel tentatively titled “The Rage of Kane” fans are speculating on whether it will be an homage to the original sequel, the 1982 classic “The Wrath of Kahn”.  Rumours abound that casting agents for Paramount Studios have already begun casting their net around the sparsely populated Latino acting community.

Casting director April Webster had this to say on the speculation: “All we’ll say at this time is that we are desperately looking to find a Latino actor to play the main villain.  This is no easy feat, I can tell you that, due mainly in part that there are so few viable Latino actors in Hollywood today, the majority having returned to Mexican-Land and even further South after the 80’s boom years of Henchmania.”

 “Couple this with the fact that the majority of the white, middle-class movie-going public still find it hard to watch Latino actors on-screen, much as their grandparents found it difficult to accept Negro actors, and you can understand the difficulties we face in filling this position.”

Jennifer Lopez and fake Latino actor Lou Diamond Phillips could not be reached for comment.


  1. i hated the Hollywood pretty crew startrek stardate 90210

  2. What's this about a Star Trek sequel about the Mark of Cain. It had better be Biblically accurate or me and my fundie fucktard friends will picket.