Friday, 25 November 2011

 Ireland Gearing Up For A Merry Capitalismas

Another year flies by and citizens of the tiny island nation of Ireland realise they’re a year older and still nowhere near following through on that emigration plan they talked so much about back in 2010.  The Capitalismas Season promises to sooth, if only temporarily, those open sores caused by continuous leeching of the public’s pockets by an insidious and duplicitous Labour/Fine Gael government.

Capitalists gather outside Irelands largest Consumerist shrine for morning prayer

Already the minds of the proletariat are glossing over as all around the nation Capitalists are coming together in anticipation of the birth of a new fiscal year.  As an expression of their devotion to Capitalismas people from all walks of life are gathering in their places of worship to spend their hard earned cash on things that they don’t need but can’t afford not to buy.

From the hallowed halls of Dundrum Town Centre to the fabled temples of Mahon Point the stampede of impulse spending has begun and will reach a crescendo on the 24th December as all over the country twenty-something males race around shops with half empty shelves grabbing the nearest piece of shit they can get their hands on that will pass for some kind of present.

Speaking on Radio during the week the nations leader Enda Kenny reminded the buying public of the virtues of recognising Capitalismas and in particular to remember to buy within the Republic as filling the coffers with Irish money is the only way that the Holy Trinity of the EC, ECB and the IMF's hunger will be sated.

“Capitalismas helps us remember that regardless of skin colour, sexual orientation or shoe size, we are all equal in the eyes of the IMF and the ECB, and that all peoples living in Ireland will be able to give praise for many generations to come by spending money we don’t have as penance for the mistakes of other political parties.”

What does Capitalismas mean to you?

“It saddens me to see there are people out there who still believe that this time of year is in any way connected to religion, or that Jesus guy.”


“I know I could buy all of my electronics online for about 30% less than I’m paying in my local highstreet store without the hassle of even leaving my front door, but quite frankly that would be unpatriotic and wrong.”

“As a humanist I find this materialist, money worshipping society we live in to be completely base, that’s why my wife and I are going to be wintering in St Moritz to get away from it all.”


“I’ve maxed out three credit cards, I’m in arrears on my mortgage, about to lose my job and have no savings but if you think that’s going to stop me getting my three boys an Xbox 360 each then you don’t know the spirit of the Irish pal!”





  1. My mammy is using her credit card to get me an Al Qaeda/NATO Libyan Liberation Action Playset and the new Goldman Sachs board game. I'm going bomb schools with my predator drones and stab Gaddafi in the arse. The Goldman Sachs game is great too, you can't lose!!! When the bill from the credit card comes in we'll all be eating boiled shite for xmas dinner but you won't hear us complaining. We'll be sticking to the narrative our overlords present to us. I advise you do the same if want a happy Christmas.

  2. i'm inspired by your words archie and so this year i've decided to let the old resolutions go and hang. i've done enough changing. it's high time the world started transforming itself to suit me. that is all