Ireland Gearing Up For A Merry Capitalismas

Another year flies by and citizens of the tiny island nation of Ireland realise they’re a year older and still nowhere near following through on that emigration plan they talked so much about back in 2010.  The Capitalismas Season promises to sooth, if only temporarily, those open sores caused by continuous leeching of the public’s pockets by an insidious and duplicitous Labour/Fine Gael government.

Capitalists gather outside Irelands largest Consumerist shrine for morning prayer

Already the minds of the proletariat are glossing over as all around the nation Capitalists are coming together in anticipation of the birth of a new fiscal year.  As an expression of their devotion to Capitalismas people from all walks of life are gathering in their places of worship to spend their hard earned cash on things that they don’t need but can’t afford not to buy.

From the hallowed halls of Dundrum Town Centre to the fabled temples of Mahon Point the stampede of impulse spending has begun and will reach a crescendo on the 24^th December as all over the country twenty-something males race around shops with half empty shelves grabbing the nearest piece of shit they can get their hands on that will pass for some kind of present.

Speaking on Radio during the week the nations leader Enda Kenny reminded the buying public of the virtues of recognising Capitalismas and in particular to remember to buy within the Republic as filling the coffers with Irish money is the only way that the Holy Trinity of the EC, ECB and the IMF's hunger will be sated.

“Capitalismas helps us remember that regardless of skin colour, sexual orientation or shoe size, we are all equal in the eyes of the IMF and the ECB, and that all peoples living in Ireland will be able to give praise for many generations to come by spending money we don’t have as penance for the mistakes of other political parties.”

What does Capitalismas mean to you?

“It saddens me to see there are people out there who still believe that this time of year is in any way connected to religion, or that Jesus guy.”

 

“I know I could buy all of my electronics online for about 30% less than I’m paying in my local highstreet store without the hassle of even leaving my front door, but quite frankly that would be unpatriotic and wrong.”

“As a humanist I find this materialist, money worshipping society we live in to be completely base, that’s why my wife and I are going to be wintering in St Moritz to get away from it all.”

 
 

“I’ve maxed out three credit cards, I’m in arrears on my mortgage, about to lose my job and have no savings but if you think that’s going to stop me getting my three boys an Xbox 360 each then you don’t know the spirit of the Irish pal!”

 

“Fuckehmadourovih!”

 

Muammar Gaddafi Dead: Post Mortem To Be Aired Live

As the blood-lust frenzy for images of a dead Muammar Gaddafi reaches fever pitch the unusual step has been taken to have the dictator’s autopsy filmed in front of a live audience and broadcast live around the world.  

The event, which is scheduled to air Halloween night from a secret location somewhere in Libya,  is expected to reach record numbers of people as the whole world waits impatiently for more images of the dictators bloodied and battered, lifeless corpse.

Four year old Timothy Grayson just 

wants his Fireman Sam magazines back.

“The gore-soaked images that you have witnessed on your television screens and across countless publications and the internet is just the beginning! Just wait to see what we have lined up.” spat a frothing at the mouth event organiser Jordon Rockwell of Fox News Channel.  “We’re going to have finger puppets for the kids, with Gaddafi’s actual fingers!  There’ll be wall painting, where kids will be able to use the buckets of blood syphoned from his rotting corpse to create montages of what a world without Gadaffi will be like, there’ll be skipping rope play, football, oh it’s going to be fabulous!”

Members of the audience will also be invited up to “get involved” in the autopsy and help play their part in the on-going War On Terror©.

“The main message we really want to get across with this whole event is that it’s okay to parade dead bodies in the media as long as they belong to the bad guy.  I mean, for example, no one wants to see images of dead children killed by American cluster bombs, right?  Exaactly!” 

So far there have been no vocal critics of the media coverage as people remain shit scared of pointing out that there may be something not entirely healthy about Western societies completely skewed sense of morality and justice.

J.J. Abrams Promises At Least 87% More Lens Flare In Star Trek Sequel

As Trekkers©, Trekkies™ and Trekkists® across the known universe collectively wet their nappies at the news that Hollywood wunderkind J.J.J.J.Abrams will indeed helm the next installment of the Star Trek franchise, the director himself has let slip that the special effects department will be spending a whopping $165 Million on lighting effects alone.

“I know one of the biggest complaints people had about the first one was that we didn’t light the bridge of the Enterprise up well enough, that it was too murky”  Abrams lamented.  “Well we’re addressing that head on with the sequel and will be adding a minimum of twenty-five lens flare capture effects for every half-second of screen time the bridge has.”  

"Too murky." Star Trek 2009

So confident are Paramount that cinema-goers will not be disappointed with the planned specfuckular light-fest frenzy that they are offering free tickets for a re-showing to anyone that emerges from the theater without cataracts, sunburnt corneas or dislodged retinas.

“We’re really upping the ante!” whooped a visibly erect Abrams.

"More lens flare needed."

 Villains, rumours and beyond.

With the sequel tentatively titled “The Rage of Kane” fans are speculating on whether it will be an homage to the original sequel, the 1982 classic “The Wrath of Kahn”.  Rumours abound that casting agents for Paramount Studios have already begun casting their net around the sparsely populated Latino acting community.

Casting director April Webster had this to say on the speculation: “All we’ll say at this time is that we are desperately looking to find a Latino actor to play the main villain.  This is no easy feat, I can tell you that, due mainly in part that there are so few viable Latino actors in Hollywood today, the majority having returned to Mexican-Land and even further South after the 80’s boom years of Henchmania.”

 “Couple this with the fact that the majority of the white, middle-class movie-going public still find it hard to watch Latino actors on-screen, much as their grandparents found it difficult to accept Negro actors, and you can understand the difficulties we face in filling this position.”

Jennifer Lopez and fake Latino actor Lou Diamond Phillips could not be reached for comment.

Barack Obama Irish, Not American

Dublin, Ireland.

In a move that far right whackjob American conservatives are calling a turning point in their Birther campaign, President Barack Obama yesterday proclaimed himself Irish in front of a live crowd of one hundred thousand well wishers in the Irish capital city of Dublin.

The shock admission came as the President of the United States was beginning a whirlwind tour of Europe where he promised there would be more surprise announcements to come.

Speaking outside the former Irish Parliament on College Green Mr. Obama looked relaxed and at ease as he talked to his Irish, non-American brethren, even joking with the crowd "You can call me a Mick, a Paddy, a potato muncher, hell you can even call me a bog-trotter!" and then, pausing to look over his shoulder with a cheeky grin and talking in a mock whisper he added,  "Juss don't call me a Muslim!"

The crowd erupted in laughter and cheer, hanging on his every word, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house as Mr. Obama spoke to them of his inner conflict when denying his Irish heritage in the past and his lifelong struggle to be perceived as an American.

Seemingly oblivious to the untold damage this revelation has done to his election campaign for 2012 or even his legitimacy as President, Mr. Obama has promised further revelations during his European trip.  Whitehouse spokesperson Ollie Freeman hinted that Mr. Obama will go into intimate detail on just what technique he used when snorting cocaine in his youth in order to get "completely loaded" and will discuss his despair after failing to win the audition for the part of the Predator in the 1987 smash hit movie of the same name.  "The president feels that honesty is the best policy and he's at a stage now where he's getting into stride in his presidency, you know, he's really enjoying himself."

A-lister poster boy for the Birther movement; a sneering Donald Trump addressed a crowd of reporters via comlink from his secret golden fortress.  "I feel vindicated now that the President has publicly announced that he is not a true blue white American and that his claim to the presidency is fraudulent.  The fact that we now know him to be a Spudfucker as well as being black really seals it."  

 "We got 'im!" he added, with that shit eating grin of his.

In a final statement on the matter of his nationality the president proclaimed he was renouncing his slave name and would only answer to the name Barry O'Bama from now on.

In Other News:  An excitable Enda Kenny, Taoiseach  of Ireland,  was rushed to hospital after yesterdays ceremony following a severe brain hemorrhage brought on by his impassioned speech introducing the US President.  He also suffered several burst blood vessels in his eyeballs and a nasty sore throat and will be sucking on Strepsils for several weeks to come.

Harold Camping Dead At 89

Harold Camping died peacefully in his sleep today at six o'clock local time aged 89 years of age. He had become world famous in recent minutes for his astonishing prediction that his End Of Days was approaching.

His legacy on planet earth will be that for a period of 78 seconds on May 21st 2011 his name was entered into Google search engines worldwide more times than the words "barely", "legal"and "anal".

Pictured:  Mr. Camping with a copy of the King James Bible that he cheekily borrowed from his public library with a return date of May 22nd

Irish Public Shocked By Irish Publics Reaction To Queen Elizabeth II Visit

Hot on the heels of their group masturbation over the Royal Wedding the Republic of Ireland's island folk brace themselves for the state visit of Queen Elizabeth II to their shores.  Given the historical and political past and present between the two countries there are widespread divisions amongst its' people as to what the visit actually signifies.

Fair and Balanced reporting:

We dispatched our mute roving reporter from the Seventh Circle of Funk first to England to see what the anticipation there was and then on to the fair Emerald Isle to see the reaction from the regular man on the street of the twee nation that brought the world Leprechauns, Guinness and itchy Aran Jumpers. 

"I just know those awful peasants will be waiting for me to put my foot in it."

"I really, really hope that Phillip can't make the trip."

"Not to put too fine a point on it but the paddys really need this visit by Her Majesty.  Don't forget, Dublin was once the second most important city in the British Empire, which is no small feat.  They're going through a rough time bless them and God knows they need to find something that they can take pride in."

 "Loike, I don't know what all the fuss is about.  Any of my friends that I talk to are, loike, so totally over that whole Northern Orland thing."

"I've been on the dole now for over two and a half years.  The new government have done  nothing to show me that they're any different than the last shower of bastards.

Somehow I know the Queen is responsible for all this, so yes, I'll be out protesting."

"Ah here, wharah yiz all moanin abouh, sure if we can open are arms to that black fella comin over and visitin can't we open are arms for the quee-hen?  Come on Arelan, grow up!"

 

 

"We are totally opposed to this visit by Queen Elizabeth and are willing to kill Irish men, women and children to prove our point."

"Madourovih!"

A T-shirt vendor on Dublin's famous O'Connell Street panders to both groups with a selection of tasteful designs

Nicolas Sarkozy: Last Minute U-Turn On French "Burqa Ban"

In a move that has both surprised his critics and infuriated his allies French President Nicolas Sarkozy has decided to reverse the ruling signed into law last October and due for enactment this coming April 11th which would have seen the wearing of the burqa and niqab by Muslim women banned outright.

In an interview with Le Monde this week Sarkozy admitted that he had struggled personally with the wording of the legal text. “When I studied the texts, which did not make specific mention of, but implied the burqa and niqab when condemning the covering of the face, I realised it was pure hypocrisy. I could no more ask of my wife, former model, singer and sexy superstar Carla Bruni to keep her goddamned clothes on for once in her life during an interview than I could ask of our Islamoid sisters to reveal more of their sexy Arab hard bodies.” 

Sarkozy: Compassion.

“So yes, it was in a moment of compassion that I decided the outright ban would have to be reversed, but with a certain condition in place.”

The certain condition that Sarkozy was alluding to includes a new clause that would ensure that all women wearing burqas or niqabs would be required to display bi-lingual registration plates identifying them by name and as property of their husbands.

Muslim cleric Sheikh Yerbouti, previously a harsh critic of Sarkozys policies toward anyone black and poor and his penchant for deporting Roma Gypsies was more upbeat in tone as news reached him of the reversal. “Allah be praised, Mr. Sarkozys enlightened thinking on reversing this ban has been a small glimmer of hope in what has been a difficult time in France for the Muslim people. On top of that I can't believe it took a Westerner to think of the whole name tag thing, I mean seriously, how did we not think of that before? Do you know how long it usually takes to locate my wife when I come to pick her up from the womens group? By the fist of Ibrahim, we're talking about forty minutes on a good day!”

Nawal Hussan: “Not much of a looker.”

Housewife Nawal Hussan, a Muslim convert and mother of three welcomed the overturning of the ban, saying: “I'm not much of a looker and have always felt I was in direct competition with some of my peers' extraordinary beauty. This way it gives us all a level playing field, Allah be praised. Also, it's a great way of hiding the bruises.”

Amnesty International spokesperson Judith Farber had this to say: “We are delighted that this reversal in thought has come about as it highlights Frances willingness to provide an inclusiveness of all religions and embrace all religious traditions in this great multicultural society.”

 Amnesty International spokesperson Judith Farber had this to say: “We are outraged that this medieval tradition and subjugation of women in a modern society has been allowed to continue without challenge and we will continue to appeal for an outright ban to be enforced on this outdated form of dress that some Muslim women are still forced to endure.”

Mr. Sarkozy confirmed that the second clause, that Muslim women wearing burqa or niqabs will be allowed to wear a leash at all times when in public, is being considered for introduction in early 2012.

It was all smiles in the city of Lyon yesterday as women celebrated their
Freedom to wear their burqas again without fear of oppression by French laws

WE ARE SO, SO SORRY!

Big words:  Papa P Hotel

Pictures: AP/Reuters/Templar

What follows is a categorical and unequivocal apology by the board of The Templar Times for the emergence of a prevailing undertone of subversion and slander against various institutions and personalities upon the Irish political landscape. It appears that articles published under the auspices of The Templar Times have consistently and covertly smeared the glowing and impeccable reputations of our political and financial elite.

We, the board of directors, would now like to apologise without reserve for the implication that Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael are a self-serving pyramid sales scheme, intent upon the accumulation of private wealth for their senior members at the direct expense of those further down the political ladder.

Furthermore, we would like to add our sincerest remorse at the suggestion that the leaders and high command of both these parties are earning even more money in these straitened times than at the height of the preceding, artificial, economic boom and are able to finance these inflated salaries by cutting much needed and grossly insufficient welfare payments to those most at need.
 

Can we trust this serial killer?

 

Erect with anticipation

It was never our intention that Richard Bruton should come across as an arrogant, craven and self-serving skeleton, whose spit-speckled lips positively quiver in anticipation at kissing the ring of his master in a subservient gesture of remorse and desire for the offices of power. In the very same breath we must beg forgiveness if Enda Kenny has been suggested to be a spineless incompetent, cowed like a whipped cur by a heave from his old lieutenant but incapable of remonstrating effectively with him for fear of a fat lip and of soiling his white cotton undies. Indeed, we are sorry too if by extension of this implication it was inferred that Kenny originally took leave from his classroom because he could not muster the authority to control the raucous young boys who flicked ink at his back and called him The Ginger Whinger.

Those piercing eyes, so, dishy

It was never our wish that Leo Varadkar should be construed as a waxy-faced, perma-tanned rat, whose highhanded sneering and goading approach to debate should be so reminiscent of Berlusconi, Gadaffi or Goebbels.

It is with heavy heart that we apologise if Bertie Ahern should be portrayed as a crooked, Bass-swilling, jerrymandering, panty-chaser whose fiscal largesse and thundering incompetence led this country to the brink of collapse.

He screwed yiz all but yiz still love him

Remember him?  We sure as fuck do

Nor was it in any way our wish that his cosy bed-fellow and comrade in arms, Charlie McCreevy should be painted as a souless, tri-sexual pervert whose blue-black teeth were pulled from the head of a Congolese schoolboy and implanted into McCreevy’s slavering jaws during a black magic right of initiation into the most secret and miscreant of Europe’s clandestine brotherhoods.

This man can have you shot

The only woman on this list

Never was it our desire that the doting maternal banality of Mary O’Rourke should be tarnished by the suggestion that she is a sadomasochistic dominatrix whose wilful pleasure it is to grind the scrotal sacks of Fianna Fáil front-benchers beneath her great, reinforced, orthopaedic boot heel before offering a weeping milky tit to each of her obedient nephews, the Lenihans, upon which they can suckle to soporific sleep.

At no time did we expect that, from our articles, Willie O’Dea would be seen as a moustachioed, perjuring gangster for whom intimidation and duplicity are an acceptable means to an end in his pursuit of dominion over the decent, working people of Limerick.

Had absolutely no ties with Fianna Fáil before 26th January 2011

It is furthermore a  matter of greatest regret to us if our articles gave rise to the belief that Mícheál Mairtín’s birth was the result of the fleeting but hot-blooded union of an unusually amorous coconut and a gaelgóir donkey’s vagina. We are sure we did not mean for him to be seen as a twisting, conniving weasel, in whom the narrow, undemocratic scheming of old Dev finds a paltry and insidious imitation.

We are heartily sorry if this impression has been instilled in any of our readers or indeed filtered into the wider public domain as a result of articles published within The Templar Times.

Archie Gets Political!

Dublin:

Spotted on Adelaide Road

It has been less than 24 hours since the posters began appearing.

Once again the grey, windswept landscape of our fair city has become the playground of the established political classes as they tag every available lamp-post with their smug, posturing visages; their lust for power barely concealed by their pointless slogans that would make even a hardened marketing exec wince in embarrassment.  Promises to you and me that they will make a difference; that they are the ones who will bring about the Great Change; that they care.

But wait, what's this?  From out of the cynical gloom comes a ray of hope.  A group of arty farty malcontents actually have the audacity to start a backlash that will rival the politicians tagging frenzy; a poster campaign of their very own!

It is the UpStart Initiative.

Artists far and near were offered the chance to contribute to a project that would see the lamp-posts of Dublin littered with 1,000 images from the creative minds of 500 individuals.

Now we could be on a par with the politicians and scar the landscape with our own belched out creations of what we considered art or worth a second glance.

Outside Ukiyo, Exchequer Street

For my contribution the message had to be simple.  Something as mundane and obvious as the tripe the politicians were littering their shite posters with, but something that spoke to everyone of this tiny little island nation.

"Who can we trust?"

Right now, tucked up a lamp-post on the South side of Dublin alongside hundreds of other works of art is this poster below just begging to have a moustache drawn on it.

So next time you look up to see some politician whose face you'd love to smash in and are about to inadvertently knock down a pedestrian, look a little to the left or to the right of that street and you may just see something just a little different, something a little more real.

Happy voting yiz feckers!

http://www.upstart.ie
http://www.facebook.com/UpStartpromotingtheimportanceofcreativityinIreland

http://www.upstart.ie
http://www.facebook.com/UpStartpromotingtheimportanceofcreativityinIreland

http://www.flickr.com/photos/boomingback/5428822294/in/photostream/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/boomingback/5421299683/in/photostream/

2010 - The Year In Review (or, What In The Name Of Christ Just Happened?!)

Reporters:   
Papa P. Hotel reporting from Beirut, A. T. A. Templar reporting from the Seventh Circle of Hell.

2010.  It seems just like yesterday doesn't it?  
Well, to help you remember some of the stories you'd rather soon forget our intrepid Templar Times reporters have scoured the archives to bring you the biggest and boldest scoops of the year, all compiled into one simple to follow page.  

So forget your snooty Irish Times looking down their nose at you, or The Sun with its' desperate attempts at connecting with the Common Man; The Templar Times is the only reliable source in a world of fakers. 

Humbly Yours,
A+P
2011

January

Blasphemy, Now!

Ahern:  The power of Christ compels him

Bowing to massive public pressure and unanimous support from the voices in his head, Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern signs into law an amendment to the Defamation Bill that will make blasphemy fashionable again.  Moany civil rights activists and rational thinking people across Ireland splutter into their cornflakes but are ultimately ignored as Ahern contests “...I do not have the luxury of ignoring our Constitution.” adding, “Jesus rocks!”

In other news:  Cowen and the boys, always thinking a few steps ahead, rule out holding a public inquiry into the banking crisis in 2010 or any time in the immediate future.  Minister for Foreign Affairs Micheál Martin says “...such an investigation is not an immediate priority for the Government.”   Twits.

February

Man Child George Lee

Pouring cold water on the notion that TV and radio celebrities are flighty and unpredictable prima donnas, economist and RTÉ darling George Lee last June took the very serious step of entering politics on the side of former fascists and Fianna Fáil pretenders, the Blueshirts. After a thoughtless and disruptive exit from his roles at RTÉ to compete in the South Dublin by-election, the pin-up boy and champion of the upper classes swore that he would bring sweeping changes to the body politic with his maverick style and incisive fiscal analysis. Unfortunately Fine Gael is run like a small town newspaper and if you’re the new boy you make the tea and hand out the post.

This February Georgie poured cold water upon the cold water that had been poured on the notion that TV and radio celebrities are flighty and unpredictable prima donnas when, in an exuberant fit of impudence, he threw all of his toys out of the pram over the party’s failure to crown him High King of Ireland.

Needless to say, after deserting and utterly failing the people whom he was supposed to be representing, RTÉ welcomed him back with open arms for, as we have learned, there are those in this country whose jobs and comfort are protected at the direct expense of the rest of us.

"A to the mutherfuckin' K."

In other news:  In the second high profile political resignation of the month, famous moustache wearer, gun-toting boyo and government minister Willie O’Dea bowed out of politics after committing the very serious crime of perjury before the high court. When asked about the incident Mr O’Dea said “Look, I call a spade a spade as much as the next man or Mary O’Rourke and so I called Maurice Quinlivan out as a pimp. Then I lied about it. I’m a politician, what the fuck did you expect kid?!”

No charges will be brought against Mr O’Dea on account of his hirsute upper lip having propped up prostate cancer support services in the state for the last 150 years.

March

As Ireland prepares for Arthurs Day, the lesser known Saint Patrick’s Day proves a good practice run for the celebration and worship of alcohol by the world’s number one boozy nation.

Senior members of the Irish government travelled around the world to challenge foreign leaders to drinking contests in a show of force for the struggling tiny island.

“We mightn’t be able to run a country without fucking over every living soul but by Jaysus we know how to drink!”  A visibly pished Brian Cowen slurred.

While in Washington Taoiseach Brian Cowen was thanked by President Obama for Irelands’ continued culpability in aiding the United States in their illegal wars by way of United States military aircrafts continued use of Shannon Airport as a tour stop.

Mr. Hassans murdered family of five
by invading US forces disagrees with
Mr. Cowens assessment of Irelands neutrality

During a brief press conference President Obama was asked by journalists why American military aircraft could not simply be built with bigger fuel tanks that could continue the short journey and land in Britain, the United States biggest ally in their War on Terror.  President Obama simply chuckled, commenting with that winning smile “Hey, zap dabba doop, whap da bee bop!”

Mr. Cowen also reminded journalists that Ireland was indeed “A totally neutral country and would never ever get involved in any way with anything like that whatsoever.”

April

"The Wrath Of God All Fucking Mighty"

In April of this year a gigantic nuclear volcanic ash cloud of death held the civilised world to ransom. Forged in Iceland, within the boiling caldera heart of Wu-Tang volcano god, Ejaculatinfallickilla, the demonic plume surged and broiled its way south and east of its bankrupt island home in search of sacrificial blood to appease its anger at the global mismanagement of the financial sector. Setting its sights on the major airlines of the world, it lurked menacingly over Europe, flexing its gritty black muscles and leering suggestively at the vestal virgins of Stockholm, Copenhagen and the one in Mullingar. Not even official death’s-head of air travel and poster-boy of low-rent shite Michael O’Leary could threaten the pulsating plume into withdrawal with his facile gurning and white jeans fucky Louis Walsh face. Incensed by the inconvenience of reality, O’Leary, acting on behalf of Ryanair, took out incendiary newspaper advertisements and made public statements of castigation against Iceland, the Irish Government, Aer Lingus, Europe, Europeans, public masturbation,  Aer Lingus, equitable wage agreements, unionisation, pilots, ferry companies, Aer Lingus,  sick children, people in wheelchairs, human decency, generosity of spirit, charitable acts and Aer Lingus. He also announced a new international route to the very bowels of Hell.

 In other news:  Tabloid headline writers fell asleep at the wheel in April when Cork-born conjoined twins Hassan and Hussein Benhaffaf (pronounced Ben-Half-Half) were successfully separated and no tasteless puns were printed.

May

"Die Palestinian, Die, Die!"

An Aid Flotilla bound for the Gaza Strip through the Israeli naval blockade is attacked on international waters by Israeli commandos.  Nine volunteers are murdered, five with shots to the head.  Almost 700 aid workers are held in captivity before someone pipes up “What in the name of fuck is going on here?” Ultimately any voices of reason are silenced as being anti-Semitic as Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahoo repeats his countries defensive mantra to all of their reprehensible acts of aggression “Remember the Holocaust, Remember the Holocaust, Remember the Holocaust.”

Netanyahoo “The actions of the Third Reich 
have brought us to this place.”

Joe Duffy; Meddling nuisance

 In Other News:  After an intense campaign by Joe Duffy and organised criminal gangs firebombing so called Head Shops selling crap drugs the forward thinking Irish government decide to ban the “natural highs” with immediate knee-jerk effect.  

Mary Harney; Munter

Minister for Health Mary Harney announces that “'These substances are dangerous” referring to the rubbish drugs available in head shops.  

In the same year there are almost 6,000 tobacco related deaths on the little Island of Ireland.

Cigarettes remain legal. 

This is the world you live in.

June

Callely; "I don't fucking answer to you."

In June, Ivor Callelly took pole position in the race for the title of Most Hated Man in Ireland after stealing €81,000 from a blind orphans’ fund to cover the growing cost of human child meat upon the black market. This much disparaged and rare delicacy is a favourite of Callely and the strange array of guests whom he entertains at his secret lair in Kilcrohane, West Cork.

The fact that Callely refused to respond to any questions or allegations levelled at him added weight to the rumour that he had used some of the money to complete his gender reassignment treatment and is now moonlighting as body double for fellow confidence trickster and Nazi apologist, Beverly Cooper Flynn.

In other news:  Sky News thought that all their Christmases had come at once when divorced father of two, Derrick “Birdy” Bird went on a shotgun tour of the lake district. The fact that the station was able to simply run a live feed from a helicopter mounted camera for half a day freed up the channel’s ‘ reporters’ to invent enough exciting news stories to keep their autocues ticking over for the following fortnight.

After the incident reached it grisly conclusion, a spokesman for the Cumbrian Police described how the bobbies had all blown hard upon their whistles and given chase whilst a man in a tuxedo played piano really fast and dark-eyed women with lacquered hair and pale complexions had put their hands to their mouths in silent screams and swooned. Cornered at last upon a river bank, Derrick Bird was wrestled to the ground by famous pie-enthusiast and former footballer, Paul Gascoigne, who then killed him with a single gunshot to the head.

  

July

“Seriously, it’ll be fine”

Half way through the year and the coalition government of Ireland is doing absolutely fucking nothing to reassure the Irish people that their country isn’t about to collapse into a financial black hole.  Only one statement is issued by Taoiseach Brian Cowen when questioned about the imminent meltdown of the economy and the impending generational debt about to be rammed up the taxpayers’ ass.

 “It’ll be graaand.”   

Oh, alright then.

Ó Snódaigh; Irelands' future Minister
of Kicking Fianna Fáil TD's Cars

 

August

Sinn Féin this month revealed a novel way of appealing to a wider section of their natural demographic by putting their election literature on beer mats. Aengus Ó Snódaigh declared that one side of the beermat would carry a comprehensive list of the party’s political aims, a list of all benefits of voting for candidates with close links to career criminals and unreformed murderers and the dates of all Celtic FC fixtures for the coming season. The flip side, to underscore how the party is embracing a new all-inclusive Ireland,  will feature a photograph

of Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness open-mouth kissing.


In other news:  Convicted rapist and sexy attacker Larry Murphy this month walked free after spending ten unapologetic years of a fifteen year sentence behind bars. He cut a dashing figure as he walked through the gates of Arbour Hill prison, jauntily sporting a dark baseball cap and a black hooded sweat top with gold leaf flocking and double back-stitched trim. It is understood that whilst ‘inside’, The Sally-Gap Strangler, has become a keen follower of X-Factor and hopes to pay Danni Minogue a visit at her place of work. When pressed on whether this meant that he planned to be a contestant on the show he became reticent and left quickly in a waiting taxi. It emerged also that Larry has been busy preparing for life on the outside and has already lined up job interviews with Coillte and Dublin-Wicklow Mountain Rescue. 

September

Adolf Hitler; Atheism made him want to murder Jews.

Pope Benedict XVI visits Britain to spread a message of Love, Peace, Understanding and to provide tips on how best to kill an atheist if you come into contact with one.

Echoing sentiments made earlier in the year by Cardinal Murphy-O’Connor when he stated that “atheists are not fully human” Benedict also reminded the gathered masses actually still listening to his warbled nonsense of the dangers of “atheist extremism” and references Hitler as an example of how atheism can turn you into a genocidal maniac.

 
Controversy:
Unable to make the trip Cardinal Walter Kasper gave the public their much needed fix when he compared arriving in Heathrow Airport to “...arriving in some backwater, fly-infested Third World shit-trap where the smell of negro and curry is palpable.”

Refusing to apologise, The Vatican issued a statement saying that the remarks were taken out of context and that anyone criticising the Catholic Church can go fuck themselves.

October

The United States Military

US District Judge Virginia Phillips this month issued a worldwide injunction ending the US military’s ban on openly gay troops through its “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. There was much kissing and cuddling in the trenches as the judgement was passed and one hotpant wearing service member when asked for his view on the ground-breaking injunction answered "I’d like to break ground in your junction, mmm-hmm! You know what I’m sayin’ honey?!"

American conservatives and their unlikely comrade the  illiterate, ignorant redneck have released the following statement :
“It is appalling and distasteful in the extreme that the lives of our young, heterosexual men and women and the very freedom and security of our glorious nation should be put at risk in this fashion. How can a soldier perform his or her duty safely and completely when he or she is constantly having to check if the gays are having a little look at their bum-bum?!”
Sarah Palin has already organised church meetings throughout Alaska to help ‘Pray Away the Gay’.

Holeeee shit!

 In other news:  Pop icon Boy George this month confirmed that there would most definitely likely probably for certain  be a Culture Club reunion to coincide with the band’s 30th anniversary in 2012.
It remains to be seen how popular the band will prove with today’s brood of self-interested brats, for most of whom Boy George will be familiar only as a fat drug addict, sweeping streets in a high-vis vest.
Still, if the band that wrote and recorded ‘The Crying Game ‘ can’t eclipse X-factor for a moment at least, then pop culture really is fucked.

 



November

Irelands most respected politician

Stuck for ideas on how to rile up an already rabid public, Fianna Fáil Minister for Agriculture Brendan Smith announces that free cheese is to be provided to “Those most in need” at Christmas.

Initial skepticism soon changes to outright delight and adoration as across the country homeless people drop to their knees in prayer, overcome with emotion at this gesture.

Even the most hardened Fianna Fáil critics cannot fault this most magnanimous of acts as opposition parties resolve to support the government in any of its future decisions without so much as even a quibble.

“I think that with this one gesture, Fianna Fáil has shown that they are indeed worthy of being our Lord Masters and that we should support them in each and every decision they make from this moment forward.” Spluttered an emotional Enda Kenny, Leader of the Fine Gael party.

An artists impression of images
floating around Brendan Smiths head

Suddenly the Irish banking scandals didn't seem so bad.

The ineptitude of the government in the past was just that, in the past.

The 450,000 plus unemployed was not something to be looked at in a negative light.

The developers loans that the taxpayer would be paying through the nose for for the rest of their lives really didn't seem that big a deal. 

The idea that the Irish people had been left to pay the tab by the likes of Sean Fitzpatrick, Sean Dunne, Michael Fingleton, Johnny Ronan and all the other elite, untouchable mother fuckers was a mere inconvenience.

For as long as even one homeless person got their free bit of cheese, that was what mattered, and to say otherwise would be scurrilous and disrespectful in the extreme.

December

The month that will be remembered forever as the one in which Ireland got sold off to pay for the voracious appetites of the country’s rich; the weather took a giant snowy shit on us and Moro changed its wrapper.

Dominating Headlines in December

Gone now is the simple blue yellow and red of Cadbury’s Moro that first appeared on sweet shop shelves shortly after Marathon made the controversial but unwavering transformation into Snickers. Its new, frosted looking, blue white and red wrapper seems to camouflage it between Wispa and and the Milkyway Stars where it hopes to be inadvertently selected by those not paying close enough attention to their sweety selection. In this fashion, Moro may enter the consciousness of a whole new generation of sweaty, pocket-money clutching fatties as the secret sweety. The subversive chocolatey, toffee and biscuity glue-stick, to be chewed with aching jaws and growing surprise buy those expecting the melting velvet simplicity of a Wispa or a few Milkway Stars.                                                    

Jesus Christ, the Son of God

 In other news:  Jesus successfully made his annual flyover on the 25th of December raining presents down the chimneys of those deemed worthy enough. In his honour, pigs and turkeys were sacrificed across the land in the traditional festive bloodbath that accompanies the rocket propelled messiah.