Saturday, 1 January 2011

2010 - The Year In Review (or, What In The Name Of Christ Just Happened?!)

Reporters:   
Papa P. Hotel reporting from Beirut, A. T. A. Templar reporting from the Seventh Circle of Hell.

2010.  It seems just like yesterday doesn't it?  
Well, to help you remember some of the stories you'd rather soon forget our intrepid Templar Times reporters have scoured the archives to bring you the biggest and boldest scoops of the year, all compiled into one simple to follow page.  

So forget your snooty Irish Times looking down their nose at you, or The Sun with its' desperate attempts at connecting with the Common Man; The Templar Times is the only reliable source in a world of fakers. 

Humbly Yours,
A+P
2011

January

Blasphemy, Now!

Ahern:  The power of Christ compels him

Bowing to massive public pressure and unanimous support from the voices in his head, Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern signs into law an amendment to the Defamation Bill that will make blasphemy fashionable again.  Moany civil rights activists and rational thinking people across Ireland splutter into their cornflakes but are ultimately ignored as Ahern contests “...I do not have the luxury of ignoring our Constitution.” adding, “Jesus rocks!”




In other news:  Cowen and the boys, always thinking a few steps ahead, rule out holding a public inquiry into the banking crisis in 2010 or any time in the immediate future.  Minister for Foreign Affairs Micheál Martin says “...such an investigation is not an immediate priority for the Government.”   Twits.


February

Man Child George Lee
Pouring cold water on the notion that TV and radio celebrities are flighty and unpredictable prima donnas, economist and RTÉ darling George Lee last June took the very serious step of entering politics on the side of former fascists and Fianna Fáil pretenders, the Blueshirts. After a thoughtless and disruptive exit from his roles at RTÉ to compete in the South Dublin by-election, the pin-up boy and champion of the upper classes swore that he would bring sweeping changes to the body politic with his maverick style and incisive fiscal analysis. Unfortunately Fine Gael is run like a small town newspaper and if you’re the new boy you make the tea and hand out the post.

This February Georgie poured cold water upon the cold water that had been poured on the notion that TV and radio celebrities are flighty and unpredictable prima donnas when, in an exuberant fit of impudence, he threw all of his toys out of the pram over the party’s failure to crown him High King of Ireland.

Needless to say, after deserting and utterly failing the people whom he was supposed to be representing, RTÉ welcomed him back with open arms for, as we have learned, there are those in this country whose jobs and comfort are protected at the direct expense of the rest of us.

"A to the mutherfuckin' K."
In other news:  In the second high profile political resignation of the month, famous moustache wearer, gun-toting boyo and government minister Willie O’Dea bowed out of politics after committing the very serious crime of perjury before the high court. When asked about the incident Mr O’Dea said “Look, I call a spade a spade as much as the next man or Mary O’Rourke and so I called Maurice Quinlivan out as a pimp. Then I lied about it. I’m a politician, what the fuck did you expect kid?!”

No charges will be brought against Mr O’Dea on account of his hirsute upper lip having propped up prostate cancer support services in the state for the last 150 years.

March

As Ireland prepares for Arthurs Day, the lesser known Saint Patrick’s Day proves a good practice run for the celebration and worship of alcohol by the world’s number one boozy nation.

Senior members of the Irish government travelled around the world to challenge foreign leaders to drinking contests in a show of force for the struggling tiny island.

“We mightn’t be able to run a country without fucking over every living soul but by Jaysus we know how to drink!”  A visibly pished Brian Cowen slurred.

While in Washington Taoiseach Brian Cowen was thanked by President Obama for Irelands’ continued culpability in aiding the United States in their illegal wars by way of United States military aircrafts continued use of Shannon Airport as a tour stop.

Mr. Hassans murdered family of five
by invading US forces disagrees with
Mr. Cowens assessment of Irelands neutrality
During a brief press conference President Obama was asked by journalists why American military aircraft could not simply be built with bigger fuel tanks that could continue the short journey and land in Britain, the United States biggest ally in their War on Terror.  President Obama simply chuckled, commenting with that winning smile “Hey, zap dabba doop, whap da bee bop!”

Mr. Cowen also reminded journalists that Ireland was indeed “A totally neutral country and would never ever get involved in any way with anything like that whatsoever.”




April
"The Wrath Of God All Fucking Mighty"
In April of this year a gigantic nuclear volcanic ash cloud of death held the civilised world to ransom. Forged in Iceland, within the boiling caldera heart of Wu-Tang volcano god, Ejaculatinfallickilla, the demonic plume surged and broiled its way south and east of its bankrupt island home in search of sacrificial blood to appease its anger at the global mismanagement of the financial sector. Setting its sights on the major airlines of the world, it lurked menacingly over Europe, flexing its gritty black muscles and leering suggestively at the vestal virgins of Stockholm, Copenhagen and the one in Mullingar. Not even official death’s-head of air travel and poster-boy of low-rent shite Michael O’Leary could threaten the pulsating plume into withdrawal with his facile gurning and white jeans fucky Louis Walsh face. Incensed by the inconvenience of reality, O’Leary, acting on behalf of Ryanair, took out incendiary newspaper advertisements and made public statements of castigation against Iceland, the Irish Government, Aer Lingus, Europe, Europeans, public masturbation,  Aer Lingus, equitable wage agreements, unionisation, pilots, ferry companies, Aer Lingus,  sick children, people in wheelchairs, human decency, generosity of spirit, charitable acts and Aer Lingus. He also announced a new international route to the very bowels of Hell.

 In other news:  Tabloid headline writers fell asleep at the wheel in April when Cork-born conjoined twins Hassan and Hussein Benhaffaf (pronounced Ben-Half-Half) were successfully separated and no tasteless puns were printed.


May

"Die Palestinian, Die, Die!"

An Aid Flotilla bound for the Gaza Strip through the Israeli naval blockade is attacked on international waters by Israeli commandos.  Nine volunteers are murdered, five with shots to the head.  Almost 700 aid workers are held in captivity before someone pipes up “What in the name of fuck is going on here?” Ultimately any voices of reason are silenced as being anti-Semitic as Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahoo repeats his countries defensive mantra to all of their reprehensible acts of aggression “Remember the Holocaust, Remember the Holocaust, Remember the Holocaust.”


Netanyahoo “The actions of the Third Reich 
have brought us to this place.”
Joe Duffy; Meddling nuisance
 In Other News:  After an intense campaign by Joe Duffy and organised criminal gangs firebombing so called Head Shops selling crap drugs the forward thinking Irish government decide to ban the “natural highs” with immediate knee-jerk effect.  

Mary Harney; Munter
Minister for Health Mary Harney announces that “'These substances are dangerous” referring to the rubbish drugs available in head shops.  

In the same year there are almost 6,000 tobacco related deaths on the little Island of Ireland.

Cigarettes remain legal. 

This is the world you live in.

June

Callely; "I don't fucking answer to you."
In June, Ivor Callelly took pole position in the race for the title of Most Hated Man in Ireland after stealing €81,000 from a blind orphans’ fund to cover the growing cost of human child meat upon the black market. This much disparaged and rare delicacy is a favourite of Callely and the strange array of guests whom he entertains at his secret lair in Kilcrohane, West Cork.
The fact that Callely refused to respond to any questions or allegations levelled at him added weight to the rumour that he had used some of the money to complete his gender reassignment treatment and is now moonlighting as body double for fellow confidence trickster and Nazi apologist, Beverly Cooper Flynn.

In other news:  Sky News thought that all their Christmases had come at once when divorced father of two, Derrick “Birdy” Bird went on a shotgun tour of the lake district. The fact that the station was able to simply run a live feed from a helicopter mounted camera for half a day freed up the channel’s ‘ reporters’ to invent enough exciting news stories to keep their autocues ticking over for the following fortnight.
After the incident reached it grisly conclusion, a spokesman for the Cumbrian Police described how the bobbies had all blown hard upon their whistles and given chase whilst a man in a tuxedo played piano really fast and dark-eyed women with lacquered hair and pale complexions had put their hands to their mouths in silent screams and swooned. Cornered at last upon a river bank, Derrick Bird was wrestled to the ground by famous pie-enthusiast and former footballer, Paul Gascoigne, who then killed him with a single gunshot to the head.
  
July

“Seriously, it’ll be fine
Half way through the year and the coalition government of Ireland is doing absolutely fucking nothing to reassure the Irish people that their country isn’t about to collapse into a financial black hole.  Only one statement is issued by Taoiseach Brian Cowen when questioned about the imminent meltdown of the economy and the impending generational debt about to be rammed up the taxpayers’ ass.

 “It’ll be graaand.”   


Oh, alright then.
Ó Snódaigh; Irelands' future Minister
of Kicking Fianna Fáil TD's Cars


 




August

Sinn Féin this month revealed a novel way of appealing to a wider section of their natural demographic by putting their election literature on beer mats. Aengus Ó Snódaigh declared that one side of the beermat would carry a comprehensive list of the party’s political aims, a list of all benefits of voting for candidates with close links to career criminals and unreformed murderers and the dates of all Celtic FC fixtures for the coming season. The flip side, to underscore how the party is embracing a new all-inclusive Ireland,  will feature a photograph

of Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness open-mouth kissing.


In other news:  Convicted rapist and sexy attacker Larry Murphy this month walked free after spending ten unapologetic years of a fifteen year sentence behind bars. He cut a dashing figure as he walked through the gates of Arbour Hill prison, jauntily sporting a dark baseball cap and a black hooded sweat top with gold leaf flocking and double back-stitched trim. It is understood that whilst ‘inside’, The Sally-Gap Strangler, has become a keen follower of X-Factor and hopes to pay Danni Minogue a visit at her place of work. When pressed on whether this meant that he planned to be a contestant on the show he became reticent and left quickly in a waiting taxi. It emerged also that Larry has been busy preparing for life on the outside and has already lined up job interviews with Coillte and Dublin-Wicklow Mountain Rescue. 

September

Adolf Hitler; Atheism made him want to murder Jews.
Pope Benedict XVI visits Britain to spread a message of Love, Peace, Understanding and to provide tips on how best to kill an atheist if you come into contact with one.

Echoing sentiments made earlier in the year by Cardinal Murphy-O’Connor when he stated that “atheists are not fully human” Benedict also reminded the gathered masses actually still listening to his warbled nonsense of the dangers of “atheist extremism” and references Hitler as an example of how atheism can turn you into a genocidal maniac.

 

Controversy:
Unable to make the trip Cardinal Walter Kasper gave the public their much needed fix when he compared arriving in Heathrow Airport to “...arriving in some backwater, fly-infested Third World shit-trap where the smell of negro and curry is palpable.”

Refusing to apologise, The Vatican issued a statement saying that the remarks were taken out of context and that anyone criticising the Catholic Church can go fuck themselves.


October
The United States Military

US District Judge Virginia Phillips this month issued a worldwide injunction ending the US military’s ban on openly gay troops through its “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. There was much kissing and cuddling in the trenches as the judgement was passed and one hotpant wearing service member when asked for his view on the ground-breaking injunction answered "I’d like to break ground in your junction, mmm-hmm! You know what I’m sayin’ honey?!"


American conservatives and their unlikely comrade the  illiterate, ignorant redneck have released the following statement :
“It is appalling and distasteful in the extreme that the lives of our young, heterosexual men and women and the very freedom and security of our glorious nation should be put at risk in this fashion. How can a soldier perform his or her duty safely and completely when he or she is constantly having to check if the gays are having a little look at their bum-bum?!”
Sarah Palin has already organised church meetings throughout Alaska to help ‘Pray Away the Gay’.


Holeeee shit!

 In other news:  Pop icon Boy George this month confirmed that there would most definitely likely probably for certain  be a Culture Club reunion to coincide with the band’s 30th anniversary in 2012.
It remains to be seen how popular the band will prove with today’s brood of self-interested brats, for most of whom Boy George will be familiar only as a fat drug addict, sweeping streets in a high-vis vest.
Still, if the band that wrote and recorded ‘The Crying Game ‘ can’t eclipse X-factor for a moment at least, then pop culture really is fucked.

 




November
Irelands most respected politician
Stuck for ideas on how to rile up an already rabid public, Fianna Fáil Minister for Agriculture Brendan Smith announces that free cheese is to be provided to “Those most in need” at Christmas.

Initial skepticism soon changes to outright delight and adoration as across the country homeless people drop to their knees in prayer, overcome with emotion at this gesture.

Even the most hardened Fianna Fáil critics cannot fault this most magnanimous of acts as opposition parties resolve to support the government in any of its future decisions without so much as even a quibble.

“I think that with this one gesture, Fianna Fáil has shown that they are indeed worthy of being our Lord Masters and that we should support them in each and every decision they make from this moment forward.” Spluttered an emotional Enda Kenny, Leader of the Fine Gael party.




An artists impression of images
floating around Brendan Smiths head
Suddenly the Irish banking scandals didn't seem so bad.

The ineptitude of the government in the past was just that, in the past.

The 450,000 plus unemployed was not something to be looked at in a negative light.

The developers loans that the taxpayer would be paying through the nose for for the rest of their lives really didn't seem that big a deal. 

The idea that the Irish people had been left to pay the tab by the likes of Sean Fitzpatrick, Sean Dunne, Michael Fingleton, Johnny Ronan and all the other elite, untouchable mother fuckers was a mere inconvenience.


For as long as even one homeless person got their free bit of cheese, that was what mattered, and to say otherwise would be scurrilous and disrespectful in the extreme.

December

The month that will be remembered forever as the one in which Ireland got sold off to pay for the voracious appetites of the country’s rich; the weather took a giant snowy shit on us and Moro changed its wrapper.

Dominating Headlines in December
Gone now is the simple blue yellow and red of Cadbury’s Moro that first appeared on sweet shop shelves shortly after Marathon made the controversial but unwavering transformation into Snickers. Its new, frosted looking, blue white and red wrapper seems to camouflage it between Wispa and and the Milkyway Stars where it hopes to be inadvertently selected by those not paying close enough attention to their sweety selection. In this fashion, Moro may enter the consciousness of a whole new generation of sweaty, pocket-money clutching fatties as the secret sweety. The subversive chocolatey, toffee and biscuity glue-stick, to be chewed with aching jaws and growing surprise buy those expecting the melting velvet simplicity of a Wispa or a few Milkway Stars.                                                    

Jesus Christ, the Son of God

 In other news:  Jesus successfully made his annual flyover on the 25th of December raining presents down the chimneys of those deemed worthy enough. In his honour, pigs and turkeys were sacrificed across the land in the traditional festive bloodbath that accompanies the rocket propelled messiah.






3 comments:

  1. I feel slighted that Labour have not been targeted in this piece. Bloody left wingers...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Very comprehensive! Oh how I'm proud to be Irish after reading it...what a government!

    ReplyDelete