In the wake of the news that smouldering hot Hollywood actor
Johnny Depp may have actually contracted lung and throat cancer the heads of North
America's tobacco industry today made a surprise joint announcement that
cigarette manufacturing and sale in the United States would cease with immediate effect.
Speaking at an emergency conference in Washington DC, CEO of
Phillip Morris US William F. Gifford wept openly as he described his shock in finding out that
one of his own products may have been responsible for giving the dreamy sex-symbol
the fatal disease.
“We and our competitors create products whose sole aim it is
to kill our customers, and in that we have become maybe too successful.” Gifford sobbed.
“When five and a half million unknowns a year die worldwide as a direct
result of our tobacco products, that is just a fantastical number that is hard
to quantify – but when one Johnny Depp is put at risk, then we really need to
take stock, look in the mirror and examine our collective conscience.”
In a determined effort to avoid another Beautiful Person
suffering the same fate as Depp, Gifford announced that North American tobacco
manufacturing and selling of cigarettes would now be moved wholesale to Sub-Saharan
Africa and the Indian sub-continent. “We
have a potential market of 2 billion unknowns in these geographical locations that
are still respectful and mindful of the fact that you too can be as cool as
Johnny Depp by smoking cigarettes, if not as drop-dead fucking gorgeous…no one could ever be as drop-dead
fucking gorgeous…”
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A visibly shaken Gifford breaks down during Tuesday's announcement.
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